Espionage and Insanity
by summerrayah
Summary: Agent Fairy, Ninja, Princess, Robot in Space, Agent Bats, and Agent Grin have adventures while avoiding strawberries and helping the misunderstood citizens of the infamous Hueco Mundo. Chapters with Grimmjow, Szayel and Harribel up, with Aizen all around.
1. Of Sleep, Smiles, and Persimons

**Espionage and Madness**

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

It was time for the next meeting. Starrk was sleeping with a pillow he had pulled out of no where. Barragan was muttering 'Back in my day' statements, Harribel was getting ready to pumble Nnoritra for trying to look down her collar, Ulquiorra was the only one who was actually drinking the tea. Grimmjow was singing, 'I put the sex in sexta' to himself, Zommari was on a mission, Szayel was strangely missing, Aaroniero was arguing with himself, Yammy was trying to resist the urge to eat Barragan, Tousen was batting the air around his head because he kept hearing the buzzing sound of a mosquito, and Gin was making zzzzzzzzz noises at Tousen. Aizen walked in, sat down, and addressed the first order of business.

"Ulquiorra, how is our guest, Miss Orihime Inoue?" Aizen asked Ulquiorra.

"The woman appears to have taken leave of her senses." Ulquiorra stated. Everyone else gave each other strange looks.

"How so Ulquiorra?" Aizen asked. Ulquiorra took out his left eyeball and crushed it. The scene played before everyone's eyes.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"Oh, Orihime, I love you so much." Orihime wiggled her right pointer finger and spoke in a low voice.

"Oh, Ichigo, I love you too." Orihime replied in her normal voice, then she started to kiss her Ichigo finger. She looked at her left middle finger.

"What's that Rukia? You're happy for me and Ichigo? You only loved him as a brother? Oh thank you Rukia-san." Orihime glomped her Rukia finger, and then was glomped by her right pinky finger.

"Chizuru...Can't breathe..." Orihime struggled, then her left pointer finger attacked her Chizuru finger.

"Thanks Tatsuki." Orihime smiled cheerfully. She looked at another finger.

"Rangiku, let's make dinner for everyone." Orihime said. Then she made cheering noises from all of her fingers.

"We love Orihime's cooking," She mimicked her friends voices.

"Captain Hitsugaya, Uryu, Chad, and Sora I need you to get lotsa red bean paste." Orihime said.

"Keigo, go with them and help them carry." She told her last finger. Then she collapsed into insane giggles.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"Perhaps she is lonely," Gin suggested, with his signature smile. Aizen looked thoughtful.

"Ulquiorra will remain with Orihime until I believe her sanity has returned."

"Aww you lucky, you get to stay with Pet-sama. Wonder what you're gunna do for fun. I wish I was you right now." Nnoritra leered while looking at Ulquiorra.

"If you are that lonely, I am sure that Szayel will be willing to make your pitiful existence better." Harribel said from behind her collar, with a disdainful look at Nnoritra.

"I sure am baby. In fact, I am available tonight." Szayel said while making kissy faces at Nnoritra. "Very well, Nnoritra, I'll be in your room tonight" Szayel said to Nnoritra while winking. Nnoritra looked around the table, looking for a friendly face, and finding none, he mouthed the works, "Help Me."

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Ulquiorra walked to the woman's room. He had a trunk full of his stuff and as he opened the door, the woman gave a start.

"Ummm, Ulquiorra?" Orihime said shyly. Ulquiorra looked at her. She took a deep breath and said, "Why do you have all of your things and a futon with you?"

"Lord Aizen has decided that I am to stay with you until he has declared you mentally fit." Ulquiorra answered. Orihime drew her eyebrows together.

"What do you mean? I am completely fine." Orihime said while whispering to her Ichigo finger.. Ulquiorra pondered this and replied,

"Obviously not." Orihime recognized the tone that meant he didn't wish to speak on the matter any more. She nodded shyly and continued to stare out of the window. Ulquiorra quickly set his things in a suitable place then sat on his futon. It was silent for about 30 minutes until Ulquiorra's curiosity got the best of him.

"What do you do for what you humans call...fun?" Ulquiorra asked. Orihime looked startled. Then she thought it over, wanting to give him a honest answer.

"Well I usually, play pretend." Orihime said, brightening up just thinking about her favorite game. Ulquiorra raised an eyebrow.

"Pretend?" He said in what she determined as a questioning voice.

"Well, pretend is a game where you make stuff up, like I play pretend all the time and I usually pretend stuff like I'm a superhero or a ninja or a fairy or a princess..." She stopped after she realized she was babbling. It usually annoyed some of her friends and they tuned her out but Ulquiorra seemed interested. She continued, encouraged by Ulquiorra's curious expression. To anyone else, it would look like nothing had changed, but Orihime had studied her captor's facial expressions in an effort to avoid boredom.

"It's a lot of fun, except it's not so fun here because no one will play pretend with me." Orihime looked a little downcast and Ulquiorra realized that he didn't like seeing her sad.

"If," He started slowly, thinking over his words, "I were to play this game of pretend with you, what would we pretend?" Ulquiorra asked. Orihime's face lit up with astonishment and joy. Ulquiorra decided he liked this expression better.

"We could pretend we are secret agents and do cool and funny stuff." Orihime started excitedly. Ulquiorra nodded his assent then Orihime closed her eyes. Ulquiorra watched her for a little bit before asking,

"Woman, What are you doing?" Orihime cracked open an eyelid.

"I'm playing pretend, what are you waiting for, you just close your eyes and imagine stuff. Like now, I'm imagining that we are on a mission to see if Gin smiles in his sleep." Orihime said while giggling.

"Could we not just go look at the real Gin. He is in his room, it would not be difficult." Ulquiorra said thoughtfully. Orihime gasped.

"We can do that?" Orihime looked at Ulquiorra with pleading eyes.

"It would be more entertaining than sitting and staring at nothing all day." Ulquiorra said. Orihime squealed with joy, flinging herself at Ulquiorra, knocking him down. He looked utterly shocked as he sat up with Orihime on his lap.

"Ok so first we need code names, I'll be..." Orihime hmmmed until she snapped her fingers, "Agent Fairy, Ninja, Princess, Robot in Space." She declared, not noticing she was still on Ulquiorra's lap. She rolled off while doing a dramatic pose. "So what's your agent name." Orihime looked at Ulquiorra with bright silver eyes. Ulquiorra thought for a minute then said,

"Agent Ulquiorra." Ulquiorra nodded. 'That would be acceptable'

"No, no, no, no, no. You cant have your agent name be your actual name, where's the fun in that. I dub thee...Agent Bats." Orihime smiled hugely at him and Ulquiorra couldn't find it in himself to disagree.

"You may lead the way woman. Gin's room is the one with the fox stickers all over the door." Ulquiorra said. Orihime nodded, in professional spy mode now. She help up her fingers in a gun position then made her way to the white halls. She did a summersault down the hall with Ulquiorra following. She realized he was just walking so she cart wheeled over to him and said,

"Agent Bats, come in Agent Bats." She looked at him expectantly. He did not know what she expected him to do so he raised an eyebrow.

"When we are in sneak mode, you can't just walk, you have to do something like somersaults or flips or running with your back to the wall. And when you answer me you must talk like you are talking through a walky-talky. Which means first you would say what I said, though not with your name. Then say what you have to say, then say over. And when you understand something, you say 10-4." Orihime looked at him expectantly. He reflected on this for a minute, then said,

"10-4." He was rewarded with a huge smile from Orihime. He almost found himself smiling in return. Orihime resumed her cartwheels and somersaults, while Ulquiorra thought for a moment, wondering at his insanity. He would normally never be seen like this but something in him forced him to comply. Ulquiorra pondered this then gave in to his desire to actually play. He looked around, then started walking quickly through the halls, with his arm covering his face and his other arm thrown out behind him. He has see it before in a movie called Dracula. He picked it for Espada movie night, as it was his turn to pick, and it looked like the opposite of the last movie he had picked. A strange movie called Twilight. Only the girls liked his pick. Personally, he thought it was trash. He only picked it because the book looked emo.

Orihime looked at him approvingly, he was trying. The strange pair made their way to Gin's room. They stared at the door that was unfortunately, covered in fox stickers. Orihime opened the door. They were greeted by the sight of candles glowing from the corner of the room. Upon closer inspection, Ulquiorra saw a picture of a Shinigami.

"Rangiku." Orihime breathed softly. She turned and tripped on something. Ulquiorra grabbed her in time before she landed with a loud crash. She looked at the floor and saw it littered with persimmon. She looked farther back and saw a persimmon tree.

"How he managed to get that in here, I will never know." Ulquiorra said thoughtfully. As they headed towards the bed, they heard an ominous muttering sound. They looked closer as they discovered a fox plushie laying on the bed next to Gin. Suddenly, Gin screamed and sat up so quickly, they hadn't seen it happen. Orihime screamed and Ulquiorra leapt to the roof, standing upside down.

"HAHAHA, ya should've seen ya're faces. Wasn't tha funny Grin. This is mah fox plushie, his name is Grin. He says he liked Ulqui-chan's reaction best. Oh and by tha way, ya're allowed to come down from dere." Gin said while looking at Ulquiorra, whose collar had flipped upside down, covering most of his face, giving him a very bat like appearance.

"I am suitable up here." Ulquiorra said. He looked around. There was a mysteriously large number of stamps. Ulquiorra raised an eyebrow at Gin. He seemed to remember a scene in one of Gin's picks for Espada movie night. From a movie called Finding Neverland. Ulquiorra continued to stand upside-down on the roof.

"Agent Bats, that is no way for an agent to act." Orihime said sternly. Ulquiorra sighed and returned to standing on the floor. Gin's grin grew bigger.

"Agent? Huh. Well are ya recruiting. Well it doesn't matter cuz meet...AGENT GRIN." Gin ended his sentence with a flourish. Orihime clapped. Now she had more people to play with. Orihime looked straight with a decisive face.

"Does Gin smile in his sleep...the world may never know." Orihime concluded. Ulquiorra looked around.

"Who are you talking to woman?" He asked. Gin looked around. Orihime blinked in surprise.

"I don't know...Just a bit of wall there...I guess." Ulquiorra and Gin looked at each other, then back at Orihime.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

If you have any questions about the characters of bleach, send them in as review and the team of Agent Fairy, Ninja, Princess, Robot in Space, Agent Bats, and Agent Grin will answer them with their super spy skills.

Orihime: Please review, I'm having fun

Gin: Me 2

Me 3

*Orihime not so subtly elbows Ulquiorra who sighs and says*

Ulquiorra: Me *wince* 4


	2. Of Catnip and Kittens

**Thanks to Kairikiani for the review and the suggestions. And also Thanks to punks Kura and G. Ai Inoue for their reviews.**

**Of Catnip and Kittens**

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Aizen looked up from his morning tea. He sensed a disturbance in Las Noches. Shaking his head slowly, he returned to his tea. It was too early to deal with things.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"What are you waiting for, get it in there."

"I am trying woman. Calm yourself."

"How are you so calm?"

"I have done this sort of thing before, woman."

"What? Oww Ulquiorra." A banging noise was heard.

"You wanted this."

"Hurry, Ulquiorra, Hurry, Faster." A voice chanted.

"I am trying woman. Stop shouting, someone will hear."

"Faster, Faster, Faster, this shouldn't take this long."

"It does when you are doing _that_." Complete silence.

"Oh, sorry." The two were secluded in the kitchen when a smooth voice rang out from behind the door.

"Mah, Mah, someone' havin' fun without' meh."

"Then get in here and help us, Gin." Orihime whispered loudly. Luckily, no one saw the shock that caused Gin to open his eyes.

"Exqueeze me?" Gin said, clearly taken aback.

"Come on, get in here." Orihime said. Gin covered his eyes, feeling a sense of decency was needed from him at least. _Well, if they want me, they got me. _Gin thought as he started taking off his shirt. He didn't know Orihime was into three-somes.

"Ichimaru. What are you doing?" Ulquiorra said as he looked at Gin. Ulquiorra and Orihime were bent over a kitty shaped cup.

"Ummm nothing, wha are ya doin?" Gin asked, putting back on his shirt.

"Spiking Grimmjow's tea with catnip. What did you think we were doing.?" Orihime asked.

"Spiking Grimmy's tea with catnip. Thah's wha' I was thinking'. Are those the new kiddi cups I picked out fo' tea time?" Gin asked. Orihime nodded.

"I'm done, lets get out of here." Ulquiorra said.

"10-4 Agent Bats, come on Agent Grin, lets roll." Orihime said as she cart wheeled out. Ulquiorra jumped to the roof and crawled out. Gin followed with an army crawl on the floor. Earning him many strange looks and effectively tripping Tousen on the way back to his room.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

All of the espada were sitting in their seats, looking at their new respective cups. Starrk was sleeping on his wolf cup, Barragan was glaring at his arthritis research cup, Harribel was trying to ignore her shark cup, Ulquiorra sighed at his bat cup, Nnoitra was cautiously watching his incredibly life-like mantis cup, Grimmjow was secretly purring at his kitty cup, Zommari was staring in confusion at his pumpkin cup, Szayel was playing with his beaker cup, Aaroniero was looking at his monster cup, he couldn't tell what it was, Yammy was looking at his Giant cup, Gin was playing with his fox cup, and Tousen was feeling up his seeing-dog cup, and surprisingly, Orihime had a seat and her own fairy cup. Aizen was smiling a strained smile as he surveyed the espada and his own teddy-bear cup.

"There are some new changes. First, the lovely Orihime-chan will be sitting with us at meetings, and we also have new cups." At this Aizen's smooth voice faltered. "Be sure to thank Commander Gin for this." Gin waved wildly from the background. Suddenly, a wild giggling piped up from the sexta's spot as Gin, Ulquiorra, and Orihime looked at each other.

"Grimmjow, is there something you would like to share with the espada?" Aizen said. _Hello misplaced anger._ Aizen thought viciously.

"I saw a bird just take off with Gin." Grimmjow strained out through giggles. Aizen widened his eyes in hope as he turned, but Gin was still there waving, with that infernal smile on his face. Scowling, Aizen returned his gaze to Grimmjow. Suddenly, Aizen smiled benignly. Grimmjow shuddered. Yes, Gin's smiles were creepier, but Aizen's smile could kill you with kindness. Literally, He had seen it done. Grimmjow started swatting at the air. Ulquiorra barely managed to hold back a smirk.

Grimmjow suddenly leapt at Nnoitra, who sat across from him. Nnoitra let out a girlish shriek.

"Nnoitra, the bird is coming back for you, he says he likes mantis, RUN NNOITRA." Grimmjow screamed and tackled Nnoitra. "GRIND PANTERA." Grimmjow shouted as Aizen screamed.

"GRIMMJOW, NO." Grimmjow entered his release, grabbed Nnoitra by his spoon collar with his teeth, and fled on all fours out of the building into the hot desert of Hueco Mundo. Back in the meeting room, Aizen was furious.

"Where is Grimmjow? Starrk, Harribel, Ulquiorra, and Yammy, go and get him, and when you find in, deliver him to the octava's lab." Aizen began, but was interrupted by Szayel's manic giggling. "Szayel, contain yourself. All you are doing is running _simple_ tests. _Simple._ Not blood transfusions, brain surgery, and especially no sperm samples for your _secret_ sperm bank. Am I understood?" Aizen asked sternly.

"Fine." Szayel said dejectedly. Then he looked up with a psychotic joy.

"And no sex changes." Aizen added in as Szayel slumped back to his dejected state.

"Do we have to get Grimmjow? He'll come back eventually. Besides, we don't need him or Nnoitra. Maybe if were lucky, they'll run into the substitute shinigami and his friends." Starrk said. Aizen considered for minute.

"Very well, we will give him a day to return with Nnoitra, after that, you three will go and contain him. Using any means necessary. And if anyone knows how this started, there will be a reward for any information. The reward being, a jar of red bean paste. Clear out. Now." Aizen concluded. Orihime was struggling. Ulquiorra saw this and tackled her just as she was about to admit to everything, or worse, incriminate him.

"Woman, keep your mouth shut, you are a spy, not taken in by bribes, have some pride." Ulquiorra whispered quickly. "Would James Bond give in for some Red Bean Paste?" At this, Orihime snapped out of it.

"You're right Ulquiorra. I am ashamed." Orihime said sadly. Ulquiorra nodded.

"Come, Agent Fairy, Ninja, Princess, Robot in Space, we must collaborate with our fellow evil-doer Gin in the Control Panel Room." Ulquiorra said. He leapt to stand upside down on the roof and started walking. Orihime smiled and grabbed his outstretched hands as he carried her to the control room.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"We can' let Aizen know we're behin' this. Las' time I did something like this, I passed the blame to the former former cuarto espada, before Harribel. Do you kno' what happened? Aizen killed him. With the smile. Turns out, he really can kill someone with kindness." Gin said. Orihime gasped in amazement.

"So what do you suggest we do Agent Grin?" Orihime said in a business voice.

"We play dumb at all costs. Orihime, since you are terrible at lying, you play dumb then start blabbing about whateve' else. We tell no one what we did." Gin said seriously.

"We did not do anything." Ulquiorra said in his monotone.

"Purrfect." Gin said while laughing. "Get it. Purr, like the cat, cause Grimmy is loose and high? Get it? Huh? Huh? Never mind." Ulquiorra and Orihime left while he was still laughing manically at his pun. "Oh ya, I'm Punny." was the last thing they heard before another bout of maniacal laughing,

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"Alert, All Espada, former shinigami, and arrancars wake up. We have a code blue. I repeat CODE BLUE, RUN FOR YOUR FREAKIN' LIVES. No wait, HAVE MERCY. NOOOOO." A crackly voice rang through the halls of Las Noches then faded out.

"Ulquiorra, make it shut up." Orihime mumbled. Ulquiorra shook her awake.

"Woman, we have a code blue lockdown. This is very dangerous. Grimmjow is back, and still high. He has already taken Tousen, who was the voice on the loudspeaker. Things are very dangerous woman." Ulquiorra said. "Follow me. I must go find and take down Grimmjow, along with Starrk and Harribel. I don't trust you alone."

"Okey dokey artichokey." Orihime said cheerfully.

"I fail to see what artichokes have to do with the situation." Ulquiorra said. Ulquiorra and Orihime ran to the control room. Most of the espada were already there.

"Good, you're here. We have an emergency, Grimmjow has taken Aizen captive. He is also trying to find his way here but I have so far kept him from us by changing the halls. But he is starting to just break through all walls." Gin said from the only chair in the small room. On the video monitor, it showed Grimmjow, still in release, galloping through the halls with a stoned smile, carrying an unconscious Nnoitra, and an angry Aizen.

"Ulquiorra, Starrk, and Harribel. You three knock him out and bring him to the octava's lab. Szayel is there with everything prepared." Gin continued. "GO, GO, GO." The unfortunate trio left.

"So, where do you think he-" Starrk began but was cut off by his snore. Lilinette, who was with him at all times, rolled her eyes and kicked him awake. Suddenly, a loud rumbling was heard through the halls. Grimmjow came leaping down, with wide eyes, big goofy smile, tongue hanging out of the side of his mouth, Nnoitra nowhere to be seen, Aizen unconscious and slumped over his shoulder, and a wild purring coming out of his mouth.

"Drop Aizen and we will let you live." Ulquiorra said. Grimmjow giggled manically and leapt. As Grimmjow reached his intended destination, time froze as the temperature dropped to below zero.

"Grimmjow, what have you done?" Ulquiorra asked in horror. Grimmjow's hands were securely station on Harribel's breasts. Grimmjow, still high out of his mind was oblivious to the immense danger he was in. Harribel's eyes narrowed and Starrk woke in terror. All was silent except for Grimmjow's manic giggling.

"DESTROY TIBURON."

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Hours later, Harribel dumped a big tinfoil wrapped mess at Szayel's lab.

"What is this." Szayel asked.

"Grimmjow." Harribel deadpanned. "Did you know…that cats are afraid of tinfoil. Can't stand it." Harribel continued in a mild tone. Szayel raised his eyebrows. A slight weeping was heard from inside the tinfoil.

"Be thankful you were not here in the beginning. When she first put him in the tinfoil, he was screaming bloody murder. After what I have seen, I would recommend her for therapy. I have decided that Harribel deserves her spot as the most feared espada." Ulquiorra said. Starrk quickly agreed.

"I think I'm going to have nightmares." Starrk said. Szayel sighed.

"I'm a scientist, Damn it, not a doctor. But whatever. Aizen never said no experimenting." Szayel said. Ulquiorra saw his smile and decided that it was not safe for his eyes to remain. Starrk agreed. But Harribel sat down and waited for the show. Ulquiorra and Starrk sonidoed away before the screams began.

Once again, Ulquiorra, Gin, and Orihime were alone. Aizen had been recovered. But sadly, well, not sadly, Nnoitra had not been seen from. He was still missing and Grimmjow was still in therapy.

"So woman, are you satisfied? Catnip does work on Espada's who are part cat." Ulquiorra asked Orihime.

"Yep Agent Bats. We have once again succeeded in our mission." Orihime said.

"Last mission we did not succeed. We still do not know if Gin smiles in his sleep." Ulquiorra deadpanned.

"Ya could've asked." Gin chirped.

"Do you?" Orihime asked curiously.

"Tha's for me to kno' and ya ta fin' out." Gin chirped once again. Orihime pouted. Ulquiorra rolled his eyes.

"So, what happened in the 9 hours Grimmjow was missing?" Orihime asked.

"No one knows."

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

**I'm sorry it took so long to update. But chapter 2 is finally done. I was also toying with the idea of doing another chapter called Grimmjow's lost hours. About what he did in the hours he was missing. What do you think. **


	3. Grimmjow's Lost Hours

**When you reach a number scroll to the bottom for understanding.**

**Grimmjow's Lost Hours**

**o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

As Aizen was discussing how to capture Grimmjow, said kitty-cat was running on all fours in released state with Nnoitra in the desert of Hueco Mundo.

"What the f*** man? What are you doing, let me go." Nnoitra yelled, trying to get a sensible reaction out of Grimmjow. "Damn, you're more out of it than I was the time I tried to rape Aizen." Grimmjow stopped running and dropped Nnoitra at the word rape. He grinned with his tongue hanging out of his mouth at Nnoitra. Nnoitra's eyes widened in fear.

"Back away, now, get any closer and I'll kill you." Suddenly Grimmjow stepped closer at Nnoitra, who was now standing. Nnoitra grabbed for Santa Teresa before realizing he didn't have it. Grimmjow leaped and pounced on Nnoitra who started screaming. But suddenly, a voice rang out.

"Grimmjow." Grimmjow looked up from the screaming Nnoitra, and his reiatsu went up with excitement. It was a strawberry, a giant strawberry.

"Let go of the girl Grimmjow." Ichigo said.

"I'm not a girl you A******." Nnoitra shouted.

"Quiet Miss, I'll handle this." Ichigo said, ignoring Nnoitra. Rukia looked closely at Nnoitra.

"I think it is a guy." She said surprised. Renji shook his head.

"Definitely a girl, look at the stringy hair." Renji said. Ishida pushed his glasses up and Chad did nothing.

"My hair is not stringy and will someone get him off me." Nnoitra shouted. Grimmjow had frozen and looked at the rescue squad in amazement.

Grimmjow's POV (1)

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

The bird was still there, it has a beak bigger than Emospada and feet as wrinkly as Barragan. The feathers were bones and its eyes were It wasn't often that Grimmjow was scared but that thing would even scare Aizen. Unless this was Aizen's doing, with Kyoka Suigetsu. But if that was true then Aizen was a Muppet, sent to control Hueco Mundo to turn everything to Muppet land. Grimmjow gasped, how could Aizen get control that fast.

He was going to have to evacuate everyone from Las Noches before Elmo got there. It was good he already has Nnoitra out of there. Now he just had to get Walker the lone Ranger and his pet wolf Caffeine, Elvis Presley and his minions, Jaws and her baby sharks, Emospada, The pumpkin man, Dr. Frankenstein and his creations, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Fatty, Cyclops, Cheshire Cat, and Shirley Temple.(2)

Suddenly, he heard Nnoitra say rape, and it turned Grimmjow on. He stopped and ignored the colors of the rainbow and smiled seductively at Nnoitra. Suddenly, he heard a voice and he turned to stare in amazement, It was a giant fruit salad. A gift for him left by the association of cats that enjoy fruit.

It had a strawberry, a pineapple, a banana, a cherry, and a blueberry.(3) Grimmjow licked his lips. They were talking but he couldn't hear what they were saying over the caterpillar on his shoulder telling him to use Michael Jackson(4) as a spoon to eat the fruit salad with. But he still needed a bowl and he needed brunch to stop moving, it was disorienting him. He already had to deal with the magic colors sent to curse him by the crayola box working together with skittles to convince him to star in their commercials, but Grimmjow already has a contract with Reese's peanut butter cups that he couldn't back out of because Jack Sparrow would maim him. Said angry captain appeared to glare at Grimmjow for getting his name wrong.

"It's Captain, CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow." Captain Jack Sparrow said before grumbling away then riding away on Moby Dick, who was being angrily chased by President Obama. Then a small girl walked by mumbling about fourth walls.

Regular POV

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"Umm, Grimmjow?" Ichigo said, Grimmjow has been frozen for five minutes. "You okay there buddy?" Grimmjow suddenly leapt us so high in the air he disappeared from sight.

"Where'd he-" Rukia was cut off at Grimmjow was suddenly visible again, freefalling at top speeds. He hit the ground at top speeds and everyone rushed to the new crater to see if he was alright. They peered over the edge and tried to look through the dust. Suddenly, Rukia disappeared into the dust, Followed by Ishida, Chad, and Renji. Ichigo froze in place as he finally saw the blue paw or despair come for him. He tried to run, but to no avail. He too was thrown into the incredibly deep crater. Nnoitra watched with horror. Finally, Grimmjow leapt out of the crater and looked at Nnoitra.

"Here, spoony, spoony, spoony." Grimmjow called softly. Nnoitra's eyes widened and Grimmjow grabbed him by the legs and leapt into the makeshift bowl.

"Here, fruity, fruity, fruity." Grimmjow called again. He came upon the unconscious form of Chad.

"BANANA." He called excitedly, and stabbed Chad with Nnoitra. It didn't work. Grimmjow pouted and then tried to lift Chad onto the makeshift spoon. Nnoitra's hood bent with Chad. Grimmjow cried sadly. Then perked up as an idea came into his head. He shredded Nnoitra's hood with his claws. After he was done, he looked at his handiwork and said one word.

"Spork." Grimmjow tries stabbing Chad again with the makeshift spork, but it didn't work. Suddenly, Ichigo shouted his battle cry and dove at Grimmjow, who cheered up at the thought that strawberries didn't need a utensil. Ichigo and Grimmjow leapt at each other, but the battle was one-sided. Ichigo was trying to stab Grimmjow, who was gnawing on Ichigo's head. Renji was watching and laughing as Ichigo's head disappeared into Grimmjow's throat. Grimmjow sat crouched with his head up swallowing Ichigo, front legs on the ground and back legs hunched, tail twitching. Rukia yelled at Renji.

"Don't just stand there, help him." Renji sighed and tried pulling Ichigo's legs.

"I can't do it on my own, Ichigo's head is literally inside Grimmjow's stomach. Quincy, get over here." Ishida growled but came over anyway. Finally, it took Chad and Rukia to get him out. He popped out with a pop and was covered in slime and smelt like cat food. Ichigo had his eyes and mouth tightly closed, hands clenched and was breathing shallowly.

"Ichigo, it's ok, we'll get you a bath, lots of soap, some therapy, maybe some mini-muffins, would you like that?" Rukia said in a soothing voice. Ichigo nodded still eyes closed breathing shallowly. "We'll be back for Inoue, don't think you've beat us. You may have won this battle, but we'll win the war." Rukia continued as she ran away with the rest of the rescue squad in tow. Grimmjow looked sad at the loss of brunch.

Grimmjow's POV

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Grimmjow wondered where his salad was going until he saw General Custer chasing them, then all made sense. The magic colors were swirling now, and he remembered the Muppets. Grimmjow's eyes widened. He had forgotten the great Muppet rebellion. Turning to the now unconscious Nnoitra, he decided to give him into the safekeeping of the tree fairies. He dragged Nnoitra up the nearest tree then made his way to Las Noches. Grimmjow nodded gratefully to the tree fairy and started galloping. As he was running on all fours, Grimmjow vacantly noticed random people and animals wishing him luck on his great battle.

Aizen's POV

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Aizen was still angry from this morning's tea time so he was stalking the halls looking for someone to kill with his smile. He smiled dangerously when he saw a disposable numero walking by. He used Kyoka Suigetsu to make the victim thing he dropped a plate, and went over to help pick up the imaginary plates and put a hand on the numero's shoulder. As the numero looked up to say thanks, Aizen gave him the kindest smile he had. The numero shuddered and started seizing. The numero screamed and was about to die when a loud crashing noise came from farther down the hall. Aizen frowned. Breaking the effects of the smile. The numero stated crying in the fetal position as Aizen stood up. Aizen prepared the smile for whatever poor soul caused the disturbance but was shocked when he saw Grimmjow roaring and leaping to him.

Aizen gasped as Grimmjow shouted.

"Aizen, your Muppet rebellion will fail, I have discovered your plan with the help of my faithful friends, the Rainbow Pony brigade." At this Grimmjow threw a handful of Rainbow Ponies at Aizen. Aizen looked at Grimmjow stunned as the Toys bounced harmlessly off his coat. Aizen stood leaning on his left leg with the right side of his mouth lifted up. Then Grimmjow threw a hammer at Aizen while he was stunned, successfully knocking him out. Grimmjow quickly grabbed Aizen and fled the room.

Grimmjow's POV

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

It took a whole Brigade of Rainbow Ponies to take Aizen down. They would be remembered. Batman would make sure of that. Grimmjow vaguely heard the sound of the intercom. It sounded like Cyclops. Grimmjow headed for the intercom room to stop the annoying buzz. Cyclops stood in the center of the room saying something about a code blue. As soon as he saw Grimmjow he started screaming and begging for mercy. Briefly, Grimmjow consulted with Godzilla, but Godzilla said no mercy, so Grimmjow only knocked Cyclops out to show that he didn't take orders from Godzilla. Godzilla was then take away by Hagrid as Grimmjow sprinted down the halls, where he was confronted by Walker the lone ranger, his sidekick Caffeine, Jaws, and Emospada. As he looked at Jaws, Grimmjow briefly realized he was still aroused, so he leapt for Emospada, but unfortunately, his aim was off, but not realizing that Emospada didn't have mountains, he groped the chest he landed on. He giggled as the smurfs said,

"Oh no you didn't." Jaws looked really angry, but he didn't notice, until he saw Emospada staring at him in horror. Then he looked up and then the beating began.

**o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

**1) Grimmjow's POV are going to be really confusing because he is high. It may make no sense at all but hopefully, someone will laugh. With the name is because Grimmjow can't distinguish between who is who.**

**2) Walker the lone Ranger- Starrk**

**Caffeine-Lilinette**

**Elvis Presley- Barragan**

**Minions- Barragan's Fraccion.**

**Jaws- Harribel**

**Jaws Babies- Harribel's fraccion**

**Emospada- Ulquiorra**

**Pumpkin Man- Zommari**

**Dr. Frankenstein- Szayel**

**Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde- Aaroniero**

**Fatty- Yammy**

**Cyclops- Tousen**

**Cheshire Cat- Gin**

**Shirley Temple- Orihime**

**3) Strawberry- Ichigo**

**Pineapple- Renji**

**Banana- Chad**

**Cherry- Rukia**

**Blueberry- Ishida**

**4) Michael Jackson- Nnoitra**

**P.S. I hate Ichigo. He should die in torture. And thank you for the reviews. And the last chapter of bleach was bullshiz. What was with that, and what about Gin and Ulquiorra? **


	4. Of Apples and Nurses

**Warning: Chapters may get very ooc and goofy.**

**Just an unimportant AN. Spoiler alert below, advert your eyes.**

**I think this arc will be boring because I hate Ichigo and I haven't seen any sign of the espada. I'm still hoping for a depressed Orihime or something to show that she is sad about Ulqui-chan. I'm also looking for Gin Ichimaru, if found, please call (***) ***-**** a.k.a. summerrayah. **

*sound*

_Thought_

normal

**Does an Apple a Day Keep the Doctor Away?**

**o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

*cough* Silence.

*cough* More awkward silence.

*cough*….*coughcoughcoughcough*…*wheeze hack cough*

"ULQUIORRA." Orihime finally shouted. Ulquiorra looked up.

"What woman?" Ulquiorra said, trying to ignore the tickle in his throat.

"Just go to the doctor already." Orihime said. Ulquiorra's eye twitched.

"We don't have a doctor, we have Szayel." Ulquiorra said blankly. Orihime gasped. "And if we go to him, he'll help and cure us, but then five hours later, you end up in the laundry room with no recollection of the last five hours, if you're lucky. There were those who remembered the five hours."

"What happened to them?" Orihime asked, absorbed in the tale.

"They never made it long enough to tell us what had happened." Ulquiorra said.

"No!" Orihime gasped. "Grimmjow is still in there."

"Egad woman, you are correct." Ulquiorra said dramatically.

"We need a plan Agent Bats." Orihime said decisively, with her finger in the air. Ulquiorra looked mildly surprised.

"A plan for what?" Orihime stared at him with disbelief.

"To save Grimmjow." Orihime said looking at him strangely.

"Why?" Ulquiorra asked with his eyebrow up.

"Because Grimmjow is in the clutches of a madman with beautiful, pink hair. Who will probably torture him." Orihime said.

"So?"

"We can't let him suffer."

"Why not?"

"Because we like Grimmjow."

"No we don't."

"We don't?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Oh….then do it because its different and could be considered revenge for whatever misfortune he put you through."

"…"

"…"

"…TO THE BATCAVE!"

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"This isn't a bat cave, this is your room." Orihime said while looking around.

"SILENCE MINION. I have invited Agent Grin to join us on our mission for revenge." Ulquiorra said, in a business tone.

"You mean save Grimmjow." Orihime piped up cheerfully.

"Sure…..that's what I meant." *shifty eyes* Suddenly, the door opened and Gin popped through with a mysterious box.

"Okay, I am ready for Operation Revenge." Gin said cheerfully. Orihime looked at Ulquiorra who was shaking his head quickly at Gin. Gin's smile faltered as he looked from Ulquiorra to Orihime and it dawned on him and his smile returned.

"Oh, I'm sorry, that was for a different day. Silly me." Gin said as he tossed the box out the door. A yowl rang out.

"Sorry Ggio." Gin called before turning back to Ulquiorra and Orihime. "So what's the plan."

"The plan is we get Grimmjow out of there. But we need a distraction." Orihime said. *cough* Gin looked at Ulquiorra and a maniacal plan formed in his foxy little head.

"I know, I read somewhere that doctors are afraid of apples." Gin said. Orihime's brow furrowed.

"But he told us he's not a doctor, several times." Orihime said. Gin grinned.

"Oh please, He is the only one here, who the members of the dark side go to when they are sick or injured. Szayel is in denial. I got the apples, we just need a way in or he won't be bothered to get up from his experiments." Gin said.

"Ulquiorra's sick, will that work? And where did you get apples from?" Orihime asked Gin, who suddenly has a bag of apples in his hand.

"I know a guy. And that's perfect. So, here's what we'll do, first, we will hide apples on our body, then we'll bring in an unconscious Ulquiorra and say he fainted, Szayel will have to look at him and I will have an excuse to be there, while pinky-chan is occupied, you search the place and find and release Grimmjow, I will keep Pinky distracted, then when we are ready to make our escape, I will threaten him with apples and we will escape." Gin said evilly.

"Yesss, its brilliant, brilliant, brilliant." Orihime concluded. "But Ulquiorra is a terrible actor, how will he pretend to be unconscious?" Gin smiled and pantomiming hitting an oblivious Ulquiorra who was busy coughing. Orihime gasped.

"You can't do that!" Orihime exclaimed. Then she turned around to look at Ulquiorra who was sniffling and she head butted him. Ulquiorra immediately sank into her arms. Gin gave her a disapproving look.

"You can't do that because only I can do that. Awww, look at him, he's like a little doll." Orihime cooed. Gin averted his eyes.

"No time for that lets go." Gin said. Orihime nodded and Gin slung Ulquiorra over his shoulder before sinking to his knees.

"What have you been eating!" Gin said as he struggled back to his feet, before he gave up and put Ulquiorra on the ground and dragged him by his horn.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"What is this?" Szayel asked with one eyebrow significantly higher than the other.

"This is Ulquiorra, I found him passed out in the hall, he has a fever, coughing and possibly a big headache when he wakes up." Gin recited cheerfully, while motioning behind Szayel's back for Orihime to slip away.

"No not that, _that_." Szayel said as he pointed to the not so well hidden bulges in Gin's uniform.

"I just have a really bad case of hemorrhoids. That spread everywhere, do not worry, I'm getting it taken care of." Gin made up of the top of his foxy head.

"All right…" Szayel said while edging away nonchalantly from Gin. Ulquiorra sit up groaning.

"Oh, he's awake, Hahahaha." Gin said with a nervous laugh. Szayel turned to Ulquiorra.

"For the record, I'm a scientist, not a doctor." Szayel said. Gin snorted.

"All right, keep telling yourself that Pinky." Gin said as Szayel's eye twitched.

"It looks like a cold. Just a cold. Though I can't explain the headache." Szayel said curiously. Gin laughed nervously again.

"Oh maybe he hit his head on something harder than rocks." Gin said.

"Could be." Szayel said as he adjusted his glasses. "I hear that's going around, Ggio stopped by earlier." Gin laughed nervously again. Suddenly, a creak sounded from behind them, and before Gin or the dazed Ulquiorra could stop him, Szayel looked around to see Orihime dragging an unconscious Grimmjow, who was strangely wearing a maid outfit.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

After Agent Grin gave her the signal, Orihime silently creeped through Szayel's main hall. Ignoring the screams she focused on her objective, saving Grimmjow. She stopped at a door that has a Do Not Enter sign, and she walked in. What was awaiting her would be a horror show, if she was an espada.

"OOOOO!" Orihime squealed as she looked at various unconscious arrancars dressed up in strange outfits sitting at a round table with teacups all around. It was a giant tea party. After her mind got over the fact that Szayel liked to play with actual unconscious arrancars at a tea party, she remembered Grimmjow.

Some faces were unrecognizable, just random arrancars, and a couple familiar faces, like Ggio. On the wall were pictures of other espada who had been there previously, everyone was there, even Aizen. Orihime spent a while looking at the one of Ulquiorra with his hair tied in pigtails and dressed in a pink tutu.

Finally, after a minute of searching/and or playing with the arrancars, Orihime found Grimmjow, dressed in a maid's outfit. Orihime grabbed Grimmjow and started dragging him to the exit, which unfortunately meant she had to go behind Szayel, which was why they brought apples. Suddenly, she heard voices and peeked around the wall to see Gin laughing nervously. She tiptoed over when suddenly…*creeaaakkkk* Orihime looked up and gasped as she saw Szayel's golden eyes glaring at her in fury.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"Gin, NOW." Orihime said as she ducked. Gin held out a single apple in triumph.

"Try to stop us Dr. Pinky, we know you're weakness, apples." Gin said manically as Szayel looked confused.

"Wha-" He was cut off as Gin, realizing the apples weren't working, chucked an apple at Szayel."

"Run Agent Fairy, Ninja, Princess, Robot in Space." Gin shouted while chucking more apples at a twitching Szayel.

"Gin…that wouldn't work even if I was human again and back at the hospital where I used to work." Szayel said slowly as an apple bounced off his arm. Gin froze.

"I knew you were a doctor." Gin said triumphantly as Orihime froze, not sure what to do and Ulquiorra was speechless.

"I was never a doctor, you imbecile." Szayel snapped before his eyes grew wide with fear.

"If you worked at a hospital, and you weren't a doctor," At this Szayel paled. "Then that means that you were a," Gin started snorting. "A NURSE!" Gin finally shouted as he collapsed to the ground in laughter as Szayel turned a shade of red that would put Renji to shame.

Elsewhere in the world of bleach, Renji sneezed.

"Stop it, STOP IT, STOP IT, STOPIT!" Szayel screamed as he burst into tears. "That's what everyone else did, I'm a failure, I couldn't finish medical school so I made myself a scientist and took a job as a nurse." Gin looked up from the floor.

"Did you die by suicide?" Gin asked curiously.

"No, the men in white got me." Szayel said seriously while Orihime and Gin looked at each other, and then back at Szayel as Ulquiorra sat lonely on his table. "So now you know my deepest, darkest secret. I am ashamed, I can never show my face in public, I'll have to go underground, and make a new life for myself as a mole hollow."

"Come on Szayel, don't cry, I'm sure mole hollows are very accepting." Gin tried to sooth the sobbing Szayel.

"Buck up, this is only a little worse than your fetish for life size tea parties." Orihime said. Szayel snapped his head up and looked at Orihime with a crazy, wild-eyed stare. "Which I don't know about." Orihime finished lamely.

"Hey," Orihime said as an idea popped into her head. "What if we went to the human world and helped you pass med school?" Szayel stopped sniffling and his eyes grew wide.

"You would do that? For me?" Suddenly Szayel got up and started a group hug. Which no one joined.

"Of course we would, but next chapter." Orihime said.

"Next what?" Szayel asked.

"Nothing to concern yourself with, we will be in contact with you." Orihime said as she snapped her fingers and her posse grouped behind her with Grimmjow in their mist.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"So who wants to be the one to explain this to Grimmjow?" Gin asked. No one volunteered. "If we keep him, he will destroy everything in eyesight."

"So what do we do?" Orihime asked. Ulquiorra's eye twitched.

"I have an idea." Ulquiorra said with a gleam in his eyes.

Hours later, Grimmjow woke up in the laundry room.

**o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

**Sorry this chapter was so crappie, it was written at one in the morning, the day before Black Friday. Nuff Said.**


	5. Helping Nurse Szayel Part 1

**Nypsy: Yes I do have a very odd imagination. Thanks for your review.**

**Somerlia: You're right about the human world. Hope you like this chapter. Thanks for reviewing.**

**Ino1693: I'm glad you thought it was far from crappy. I hope I keep that standard up. XD Thanks for reviewing.**

**Bleached Fighter: Your review made me smile. I'm so glad you like it. Thanks for reviewing.**

**BleachUlquiGrimm: Silly billies, warning: will get sillier. ;) Thanks for reviewing.**

**Frawg360: Thx, I plan to try. Thanks for your review.**

**WARNING: This chapter will contain some hinted yaoi and Ichigo bashing.**

**Helping Nurse Szayel Part 1**

**o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

"Tehehehehe."

"Szayel, contain yourself man."

"Tehehehe."

"No, seriously."

"Tehehe."

"You're embarrassin' yourself."

"Tehe."

"Sttoooop."

"Te."

"We will go bac' to Las Noches right no', young man. I will tur' this hollow aroun'."

"…"

"Than' you." Gin said as he returned his attention to the reins of the massive hollow that they were riding through the streets of Karakura Town.

"So, where did you saw you got this hollow again?" Ulquiorra asked.

"Aizen lent it to meh. He likes to take meh Hollowback riding. So I used mah good looks an' charming wit to get him to lend meh one." Gin said cheerfully.

In Ulquiorra, Orihime, Szayel, Hollow's mind:

"_Oh, Aizen, I loved going Hollowback riding with you, Your skills with the rein here and in bed just turn me on. Who do you like riding more, the hollow, or me." Gin says seductively._

"_Well, Gin I must say you are my favorite to ride. Gin, if you want something just ask, you don't have to do that with your leg, save that for the bedroom my sweet."_

"_Oh Souske, you spoil me. I would really like to borrow Betsy, you know, the hollow we hollow back ride on, for a trip to the human world, to get Szayel a medical degree."_

"_Well alright. But when you get back, I want to play doctor on the innocent victim." Aizen says smothering."_

"_Oh I like playing victim. Do I get a good-bye kiss." Gin asks._

_Scene blanks out at the sight of Aizen and Gin making out._

Ulquiorra, Orihime, and Betsy shudder in horror.

"I like playing doctor on innocent victims." Szayel said reminiscingly.

"That was random." Gin says.

_Gin's Memory:_

"_Well Aizen, this has bee' an interesting game, and I'm sorry to see it end, I'm really enjoying this, but everything has to end. May the sexiest man win." Gin says. Aizen smiles kindly._

"_I plan to." Aizen says. Gin scowls. _

"_And the 21__st__ annual male beauty pageant 1__st__ place award goes to…..ICHIMARU GIN." The announcer announces. Gin smiles as usual as he accepts the giant trophy. Aizen kindly scowls in the background. _

"_Firs', I want to thank God, the future one, Aizen, and all mah ex-friends at Soul Society, and all mah current friends at Las Noches." Gin says as he accepts his award. Gin goes over to Aizen. _

"_Well my friend, you won the bet. You get Betsy and the trip to the human world you requested. Now go away." Gin grins and leaves. _

Back to present time.

"I'm, to sexy for my Betsy, to sexy for my Betsy." Gin sang. Betsy grumbled beneath him. "Oh, it's ok when Aizen sings it, but when I sing it, tha's a no no." Gin said. Betsy grumbled again.

"Fine, bu' next time we go hollowback riding, I'm singin' Barbie Girl." Gin said finally.

"If you are done having a conversation with the hollow, we have a problem. The strawberry is coming." Ulquiorra said.

"Wha', I though Grimmjow took care of him." Gin exclaimed.

"Ugh, not that poser." Orihime said as Ichigo came up on them brandishing his sword clumsily.

"Inoue, I will save you." Ichigo shouted as he ran towards Betsy. Betsy yawned and sat down, unfortunately for the wannabe shinigami, Betsy sat down on Ichigo. All was silent for three second. Then.

"BAHAHAHAHAHAHA."

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA."

"MUAHAHAHAHAHA."

"HEEHAAAHEEEHAAA."

"Ha." **(1) **All was silent. Even the pained cries of the wannabe had stopped as everyone stopped to stare at Ulquiorra.

"Did he-"

"He wouldn't-"

"He did-"

"No I didn't….trash."

"Yes you d-"

"Not another word trash. Revert your focus back to the wannagami and forget the last three minutes."

"…"

"I will destroy you and save Inoue, For Friendship, For Freedom, For my teenage angst. For the right to be a real Shinigami." Ichigo's muffled shouting barely made it through Betsy's butt. Suddenly Betsy made a pained face.

"Betsy, ya ok girl, Betsy, wha's the matter baby?" Gin asked while patting Betsy's neck. Betsy's eyes crossed.

"Betsy, NOOOO." Gin shouted as Betsy slowly closed her eyes. Then, a loud boom was heard everywhere. Betsy sighed with relief and opened her eyes.

"Betsy, you're okay." Gin said with surprise. Betsy lazily got to her feet and a horrid smell filled the air.

"Betsy, that's not ok. Wha' did ya eat?" Gin looked down where Ichigo was choking with the fumes.

"That's just wrong, but I'm not going in there to help him." Orihime said as she plugged her nose. Ulquiorra turned away as he secretly giggled to himself. Suddenly, Betsy shifted again, this time, she tilted her butt down and lifted her tail high.

"Betsy, no. I don' care if he's a wannagami, we wouldn't eve' do that to Byakuya. No Betsy, NOOOO." Gin said as Betsy let loose. A distinct trickling noise was heard, along with the desperate screams of a wannagami.

"Oh, that's not so bad." Orihime said, suddenly, Betsy lifted her tail higher.

"Oh No." Szayel said in fascination. The sight was so gruesome that even Szayel had to turn his eyes away, and Szayel had seen some pretty sick stuff. The screams turned into louder screams of horror and rose in pitch. Finally, Betsy sighed one last time and went on her merry way, leaving a steaming pile of green surrounding, an unfortunate, wannagami.

"We shall never speak of this again." Gin said. Then he, Orihime, and Szayel, all turned to look at Ulquiorra, who was taking pictures with his cell phone. Ulquiorra cleared his throat and took one last picture before sinking in his seat and sending the pic to everyone he knew.

"Umm, Gin, why are we walking through Karakura town if we are heading to Harvard Med.?" Szayel asked.

"We need ta pick up our gigai's." Gin replied.

"Why didn't you tell me? I could have made some." Szayel said.

"After last time you made the gigai's? No…Trash." Ulquiorra replied. Gin sniggered. Ulquiorra's eye twitched. Orihime giggled. Szayel sighed.

"Well then where are we getting gigai's at?" Szayel asked. Gin smiled forebodingly.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"U-dog my man." Gin shouted as he walked with his arms wide open to the front of the building.

"G-dog, what are you doing here my brizzle." Mr. Hat and Clogs himself came out of the store, to the bewildered eyes of Ulquiorra, Szayel, Orihime, Jinta, and Ururu.

"URAHARA? Since when have you two been on speaking terms? And what is with the brizzle?" Ulquiorra asked.

"Shut it…cracker." Urahara said. Ulquiorra's eyes bugged. Orihime stifled a giggle.

"Oh, burn." Gin shouted.

"So, why are you talking like that?" Szayel asked.

"One day, I came over ta mess with U-dog, but mah prank backfired and ended up with us tied together in a chair in front of the television. It was stuck on some weird show, but it taught us things, and now, we're ghetto fabulous" Gin said. Urahara smiled and nodded along with his hand on Gin's shoulder.

"U-dog, we're here for the goods…and the other package." Gin said seriously. Urahara grinned with excitement.

"The gigai's are ready, just like you ordered, and the goods are the best. The guy I got it from told me so." Urahara said.

"I can't wait to try it out. I've never done any of this before so I'll give you this now, feel free to keep it for yourself or sell it through Las Noches, but remember, if you sell it, I want 50 percent." Urahara said.

"20." Gin said.

"55."

"15."

"60."

"10."

"Deal." Urahara said as he smiled and fist bumped Gin. Ulquiorra and Orihime looked at each other. Szayel lifted his eyebrow.

"I think you did that wrong." Ulquiorra said.

"Shut it, cracker." Gin and Urahara said simultaneously. Ulquiorra took a step back with his hands up and head down.

"Anyway, I'll leave the package here for now, and after we help Szayel, we can try some. Then we'll be complete ghetto fabulous." Gin said. Urahara nodded happily and made his way to a different room. In the new room, there were four gigais. One looked like a human Ulquiorra, one was a human Orihime, Szayel's looked like him except the hair color was dark red, and shorter. Gin's looked like…him?

"U-dog," Gin whined, "Mine was suppos' ta look like Will Smith." Gin pouted. Ulquiorra, Orihime, and Szayel all simultaneously gave a strange look to Gin.

"I know, I know, I'm sorry G-dog, but can you imagine how people would react if they saw Will Smith in Med school, think my man. How would you help your pink friend then huh?" Urahara said. Gin nodded sadly.

"All right man, you-you right." Gin said sadly, Urahara nodded.

"Yeah man, it's ok, come here. You need a hug from U-dog, come here." Urahara said. Gin sniffled and went over to Urahara's waiting arms.

"There there, G-dog, there there." Urahara said over the sniffles. Szayel's eye twitched.

"BE A MAN, EVEN I'M NOT THAT MUCH OF A PANSY, AND I FREAKING HAVE PINK HAIR." Szayel shouted. Gin and Urahara looked up from their manhug.

"Make the bad man stop yelling at me, U-dog." Gin said into Urahara's shoulder.

"Come on man, it's ok. Cause every little thing…is gunna be all right." Urahara said. Gin sighed and stood tall. Gin gave Urahara one last hug, but this time it was a manly hug. With much patting of the back.

"All right, we good now U-dog." Gin said as he broke the hug. Both men cleared their throats and ignored the astonished stares from their audience. Szayel's eye twitched.

"Sooo," Urahara said. "To the gigai's." He finished and everyone turned to the gigais. He then pointed to four doors with a piece of paper taped to each. On the papers were poorly hand-drawn pictures of Gin, Szayel, Orihime, and Ulquiorra. Each went into their doors appropriate doors and simultaneously, epic looking smoke leaked out of the cracks of the door and about two second afterwards, the coughing started. Gin was the first to step out, looking no different except the less noticeable ominous feeling. He smiled at Urahara.

"Sweetness U-dog. Props." Urahara smiled less-than-humbly.

"Why thank you." Urahara said. A coughing noise was heard behind them and they turned to see Orihime walking out.

"I have discovered that there is a problem with my gigai, former captain of the 12th division." Orihime said in a monotone. In the door next to her, a low giggling was heard and Ulquiorra stepped out with a smile.

"The smoke is really cool Urahara." Ulquiorra said with a cheerful smile. He looked at Orihime with an unusually animated face while Orihime looked like she had no emotion. Gin looked back and forth confused while Urahara smiled happily.

"Shopkeeper, you have some explaining to do." Orihime told him.

"Well, Ulquiorra." Urahara said as 'Orihime' crossed her arms and 'Ulquiorra' giggled. "I made the gigais so only Ulquiorra would fit in the one that looks like Orihime, and Orihime would only fit in the one that looked like Ulquiorra." Urahara shouted victoriously. Ulquiorra attempted to cross his arms over his now very large chest. **(A/N, from this point until I say otherwise or til they no longer need their gigais when I say Ulquiorra looks to everyone like Orihime and vice-versa. But I will still say Ulquiorra. Confusing, I know.)**

"What's taking you pink friend so long." Urahara asked as he skillfully changed the subject. This attempt succeeded. The last door opened to show Szayel in his gigai checking himself out in the mirror.

"I look almost exactly like I did when I was alive." Szayel exclaimed happily. Orihime smiled gently, which in Ulquiorra's body, looked slightly scary. Szayel stared. Ulquiorra sighed.

"Ulquiorra," Gin said pointing to the gigai that looked like Orihime, " and Orihime." Gin finished pointing to the smiling form of that looked like Ulquiorra. Szayel, being the genius he is, understood instantly and chose to not think about the disturbing vibes.

"TO HARVARD MED." Szayel shouted excitedly. Gin and Orihime cheered, and Ulquiorra looked epically serious. The five of them ran in a mob out to Betsy where four of the five rode off valiantly, and the fifth stood waving good-bye with a hankie. After they left from sight, a black cat woke from a very deep sleep due to the very loud thumps that got quieter and faded. She yawned and returned to sleep.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"Gin." Ulquiorra said. The triumphant music got quieter.

"Yes?" Gin said heroically as he turned his head slightly from his hunkered yet heroic position at the front of Betsy.

"This is very corny." Ulquiorra said. Gin smiled crookedly.

"I know." He replied with that same heroic grin. Ulquiorra raised an eyebrow and looked awkward.

"Just thought you should know." Ulquiorra mumbled.

"Oh, I know." Gin said in a deep heroic voice. Ulquiorra looked away pained. A girlish cry was heard up front.

"We're here, we're here." Szayel cried excitedly. The large buildings of Harvard Med came into view. Betsy, hearing this, immediately stopped, causing all aboard to fly off into the recesses of Harvard Med. Betsy being free of her riders flopped down with a sigh, and began to snore.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Gin flew through the air with a heroic grace. Until he landed directly in the arms of the elderly dean. Gin swung his long legs. He dwarfed the dean yet the dean still was able to hold him.

"You hav' beautiful eyes." Gin said as he smiled adoringly at the dean. The dean dropped him in surprise and Gin ran into the masses of students pouring out of their classes. The dean shuddered and went on his way, pretending that the last five minutes had never happened.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Orihime flew through the air screaming, which in Ulquiorra's body was a sight to see. She finally landed in the water fountain in front of the girl's dorms.

"Owie." Orihime muttered. She looked up to see a girl standing in front of her.

"Are you okay?" The girl asked.

"Yeah I'm fine." Orihime replied.

"Yes you are." The creepy girl muttered under her breath. Orihime looked disturbed, then as she looked at the black hair covering her face, she understood.

"Oh ha ha ha ha, I'm ok, nice to meet you but I really have to go, see you around, bye." Orihime said as she laughed nervously, until she looked down at the girl's shoes.

"Ohmigosh, those are so cute, where did you get them?" Orihime gasped. The girl looked surprised, then the surprise turned to joy.

"Ohmigosh thanks, I got them at a thrift store. I think were going to be great friends, I'm Lindsay, but everyone calls me Linds." Lindsay said. Orihime giggled.

"I'm Ori- umm Oriorra. Ha ha ha." Orihime said nervously. Linds raised her eyebrows but ignored it.

"Lets go to my dorm, we can so hang out." Linds suggested. Orihime nodded excitedly.

"Great, I always wanted a gay friend." Linds said dreamily.

"What?" Orihime asked obliviously.

"Nothing." Linds replied.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Ulquiorra sailed through the air epically, until he landed, on solid ground, on his boobs.

"Ahhhhh, it hurts, the pain, I never knew this could hurt, how does the woman do it?" Ulquiorra groaned as he rolled around in pain. Suddenly, smooth music began playing. Ulquiorra looked around in confusion.

"Hey baby." A creepy looking guy that screamed pedophile was leaning nearby.

"I am not an infant." Ulquiorra said.

"I can see that, you want to make out?" The guy asked with a sad attempt at a seductive smirk.

"Make out with what?" Ulquiorra asked obliviously.

"Me."

"I don't understand."

"Umm, sucking face?"

"That is grody.

"Snogging."

"Gesundheit?"

"Ugh, would you like to engage in lip to lip contact where I rub you all over and you try to stop me?"

"No I would not." Ulquiorra answered, thoroughly disgusted.

"Well here I come." The man said as he started walking towards Ulquiorra in a manner eerily reminiscent of Nnoitra. Ulquiorra quickly took stock of the situation and realized that the man could overpower him in Orihime's body, so being the smart cookie he is, Ulquiorra ran.

"Whooie boys we got us a runner." The man called in a hic accent as five more boys appeared behind him and they all chased after Ulquiorra.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Szayel screamed girlishly as fell, yet keeping his wits about him, he pulled out a strange device, aimed it at the floor, and pulled the trigger. A gust of wind from the device pushed again the ground until it was equal with the gravity and Szayel fell gracefully to the ground. He smiled crookedly at his graceful landing. Blowing the smoke from his device, Szayel put it away. He looked around, ignoring the stares of disbelief Szayel went over to the nearest student.

"Excuse me, would you be so kind as to point me to the administration offices?" Szayel asked politely. Mutely, the student pointed to a northeast direction.

"Why thank you my dear man." Szayel said as he went on his way, leaving the flabbergasted girl behind him.

Szayel strode confidently, Harvard Med was just as he remembered, except the fashion had changed quite a bit. He hummed under his breath as he made his way towards the office to get his schedule, hopefully his comrades had enough sense to do the same. Suddenly, Szayel heard high-pitched screaming. Turning around he saw Ulquiorra being chased by at least five men with gap teeth and hic accents.

"Come on dearie, we only want to play." One man called.

"I do not wish to play with any of you." Ulquiorra shouted back.

"Well you're a woman, you're opinion don't matter." The ringleader called. Suddenly, the chatter of the campus went dead silent as all girls looked the ringleader, and the guys of the campus back away from the scene entirely.

"So, since we're women, we don't need an education higher than first grade?" One girl asked, with a twitch in her eye.

"Well, shoot, women don't deserve an edjamacation at all, they just need to cook, clean, and raise babies." One of the hics called.

"And while we're at the subject, men are better than women you say?" Another girl asked.

"You're darn tootin'." Another hic said. Szayel grimaced. _Those poor suckers, they don't even know what they're doing. God, I mean, Aizen save them. _

"Also, women don't deserve to have a choice on who they love, they should just do whatever us smart men tell thems to, cause they're dumb. Now I am trying to get it on with this chick here, it's only fun when they run." The ringleader announcer again. The first girl to speak looked at Ulquiorra.

"Are you interested in him in any way? Has he been chasing you without your permission." The girl asked gently. The other hundreds of girls leaned closer to see his answer. Ulquiorra nodded while panting. In every girl's eyes there was the fire of fury.

"Get him!" The girl yelled and all the hundreds of girls all chased after the fleeing hics. Ulquiorra sighed with relief. Szayel shook his head slowly as the mass of hordes flew by. Then. There was a familiar flash of white and black.

"Woman." Ulquiorra shouted. Orihime was startled out of her rage as she looked at Ulquiorra. To avoid being trampled, She ran to the outside and shouted,

"Bye Linds, see you at the dorm." A yell of confirmation was all Orihime heard before standing next to Ulquiorra and Szayel.

"Um, woman…You were in the mob?" Ulquiorra asked. Orihime nodded rapidly.

"Did you hear, those stupid boys hated women and was chasing a defenseless little girl." Orihime growled with righteous fury. Ulquiorra sighed and Szayel grinned.

"I was not defenseless." Ulquiorra protested weakly. Orihime quickly understood as she struggled to hold back laughter.

"No, of course not sweetie." Orihime said sweetly as Ulquiorra growled.

"At least I wasn't the only guy in the mob of women." Ulquiorra said as Orihime shut up.

"If your spat is over, we need to find Gin and get our schedules." Szayel said. Suddenly, both Ulquiorra and Orihime stopped and stared at a point above Szayel.

"What th-" Szayel managed before a huge weight dropped into his arms. Gin looked at Szayel and grinned as Szayel then collapsed. Gin rose from his spot on Szayel before sniffing haughtily and saying,

"The dean had much more arm strength." Orihime giggled and Ulquiorra raised an eyebrow. Szayel wheezed from the impact. Orihime helped him up and brushed him off.

"Now, if you are quite finished, we need to go to the administration to get our schedules." Szayel said. Gin looked around.

"Let's go tha' way." Gin chirped. Szayel sighed.

"The office is this way." Szayel said. Gin set off in the direction Szayel pointed and the rest followed.

Eventually, they made their way to an office. They made their way to the front desk where a nasally older woman as she handed them their schedules.

"Now don't cause any trouble and you'll do fine." The lady said. Szayel nodded with excitement.

"Alrigh' ladies an' gentlemen, do no' forget the buddy system." Gin announced loudly.

"Um, Gin, we all signed up for the same classes." Orihime said.

"Your poin'? Gin asked. Orihime gave up.

"Hey, you look familiar." The nasally woman told Szayel, who lifted his eyebrow until it came to him.

"No I don't." Szayel said.

"Are you by any chance related to a Szayel Apporo-Granz?" Szayel laughed nervously.

"No, you must have me mistaken. Sorry Dolores." Szayel said as he started as he then realized his mistake.

"How did you know my name was Dolores?" The lady asked suspiciously.

"Umm, nametag?" Szayel said with more nervous laughter. Dolores accepted this as her eyes glazed over.

"Oh that Szayel, he was a smart one him, he was pretty cute too, but I was never his type I suppose. It's too bad about him." Dolores thought aloud, not realizing they were still there. Szayel made his escape as he dragged his comrades behind him. Once in the clear, Szayel sighed with relief.

"Soo, whose Dolores?" Orihime asked teasingly. Szayel shuddered.

"She's almost as crazy as I was, she was obsessed with me, would stalk all my classes and sent me pieces of her hair." Szayel said with an eye twitch.

"What? But she seemed so nice." Orihime said. "Maybe she's normal now."

"Maybe, but I don't plan to stick around her long enough to find out." Szayel said. "Lets just get in, get my degree, get out, than seek my revenge on the doctors who made fun of me when I was a nurse."

"Or, haha, just a silly little thought, we could just get your degree and not revenge, I've always found forgiveness the best way to go anyway." Orihime said nervously.

"Sure, lets go wi' tha'." Gin said sneakily. They stopped at a huge door. Szayel sighed reminiscently.

"Albert Einstein gave a lecture here back in my day." Szayel said. Gin nodded, slightly impressed.

"Well, you firs'." Gin said quickly as he shoved first Szayel, then Ulquiorra, then Orihime before actually going in himself.

"Eagar young minds," The professor droned, "You are late. I expect perfect timing from now on." Szayel stared with disbelief.

"Now, don't you look familiar." The professor said to himself. Gin mentally face palmed.

"Let's just save ourselves the trouble and assume I don't." Szayel said. The professor dropped the subject as he resumed his lecture. As the troublesome foursome sat down, They all stared at Szayel.

"What?" Szayel asked annoyed.

"I thought you said Albert Einstein gave a lecture here?" Orihime asked.

"He did." Szayel said.

"Then the people who were students with you must be almost 100." Ulquiorra said.

"Yes, they are." Szayel said.

"Tha' must mean you're very young for an espada." Gin said thoughtfully.

"Your point?" Szayel said irritably.

"Nothing."

"Excuse me, but if you are not too busy chatting, I have a lecture to finish." The professor announced. Orihime smiled sheepishly.

"Please continue." Orihime said. The professor nodded sarcastically and continued his lecture. Szayel sighed, he was stuck with a group of imbeciles.

As the bell rang to release the class, Gin had slipped under his desk in sleep, Orihime was drooling on her desk, Ulquiorra wasn't breathing as he was facedown on his desk and Szayel was doodling on his desk. The lecture didn't teach him anything he didn't already know. Szayel looked over at his imbeciles and sighed. Standing up, Szayel lifted his book up high and dropped it on his desk. This instantly woke the sleepy-heads up.

"ICHIGO'S A CREEPY KID."

"I HAVE A BLEEDING APPENDAGE IN MY HAND."

"IMMA B****SLAP YOU ULQUIORRA." **(2) **Szayel raised both eyebrows as the sleepy trio simultaneously shouted things.

"Why are you going to slap me?" Ulquiorra asked Orihime while leaning away from any possible outstretched hand.

"I dunno, must have been a dream." Orihime answered as Ulquiorra relaxed. Gin nodded.

"If you three don't mind, it is time for the next class." Szayel said. Only Orihime made an attempt to look excited. It was still a weak attempt at best. Szayel sighed as he trudged out the door, followed by a skipping Orihime, a slouching Ulquiorra, and an crawling Gin. They started walking to their next class with Szayel in the lead. Szayel excitedly continued to walk. But the campus was enormous and soon enough, the three stragglers soon fell behind. Szayel paused his business-like walk to sigh at the stragglers.

"Szayel, you're a beast, how can ya walk so far an' still go fast?" Gin asked, gasping for breath. Szayel rolled his eyes.

"It's not that far, and this is my normal speed." Szayel said. Orihime caught up to Szayel first and waited while she was panting for the others to catch up.

"Maybe it's the gigai's." Ulquiorra said. Szayel nodded thoughtfully.

"Prolly, but who cares." Gin said. Szayel shook his head and looked around.

"Come on, we're almost there." Szayel said as he continued to walk quickly. Gin sighed as he followed, with Ulquiorra and Orihime in tow. The next building looked exactly like the first.

"OMA, we wen' in a big circle." Gin exclaimed. Szayel rolled his eyes for what seemed like the seventeenth time since the chapter began.

"All the buildings look pretty much the same." Szayel said. Gin thought deeply about the situation and said one word that was filled with intelligence.

"Oh."

"OMA?" Orihime questioned.

"It stands for Oh My Aizen, because he is God." Ulquiorra stated in monotony.

"Really?" Orihime said. Gin nodded.

"Plus if we don't say OMA, and say something silly like OMG, he puts us in a dunce hat. Not fun." Gin finished. Orihime raised an eyebrow.

"How does he know you always wear it?" Orihime asked, Gin's story seemed sketchy.

"Its designed not to come off of the person who has then reiatsu of the person it is programmed to attach itself to. It has samples of every arrancars and former shinigami that is would be important enough to be at least mentioned in a manga or anime show." Szayel said. "I made it myself."

"Oh, that's weird. What did you name it?" Orihime asked. Szayel looked shifty for a moment before giving up.

"Her name is Dolores. Device Ordered to foLlow Obsessively eveRyone Except Szayel." **(3) **Szayel said, while grimacing.

"Huh, wasn' that secretary lady named Dolores?" Gin asked. Gin grimaced again

"So? My device is similar to that harpy." Szayel said.

"That's not very nice." Orihime said.

"Shh, we're here." Szayel said, uncaring about Orihime's sensitivity. Szayel giggled excitedly again, hopefully this class would teach him something new. The fearsome foursome walked in dramatically, with epic grace and good looks.

"Excuse me, you look familiar." The professor said. Szayel stared at her, with a twitch in his eye.

"Why, no, no I don't." Szayel said with an eerily calm smile. He tilted his head and made his way to his seat. Followed by a staring threesome.

"So which class is this anyway?" Orihime asked.

"Biology." Szayel sighed.

"They wouldn't make us do anything like dissections on the first day would t-" Orihime was cut off by loud gasps throughout the class, she looked over and promptly fainted.

"Woman, it's only a dead body, it's not like they are not going to cut it ope-" Ulquiorra attempted to console her as he too was interrupted by loud gasps. After which his eyes crossed and he followed suit as half the class also fainted. Gin looked down. More gasps sounded and a few high-pitched screams.

"Oh mah Aizen." Gin said before he too collapsed. Szayel rolled his eyes and looked around. It looked like he was the only one standing. The professor called him up and Szayel gracefully stepped over his companions prone bodies. He walked up to the front as the professor's eyes glinted amused at the unconscious students.

"And they want to be doctors." She scoffed. Szayel looked curiously at the body.

"May I?" He asked, gesturing to the dissecting instruments. The professor looked pleased.

"By all means." She aid. Szayel barely contained a smirk as he did what he did best, and within seconds, the professor's smile turned into horror. She struggled not to puke for twenty-three more seconds until she finally fainted. Szayel didn't even notice until the bell rang. Looking up he frowned, but seeing as his entire class was out cold, he did one last thing, and cut through the skin leading to the skull. Looking at it, he noticed that there was a glint of sapphire blue poking out. Shrugging, Szayel ignored it and removed his soaked gloves, cleaned up, and walked over to his unconscious companions. Shaking his head slowly, Szayel prodded them with his foot.

"Wake up, time to go." Szayel said.

"STOP CRYIN' RAN-CHAN. "

"I WILL BE THE RAIN."

"NICE DRESS." **(4)**

"What kind of things do you guys dream?" Szayel said with disbelief. Ulquiorra, Orihime and Gin looked at each other then at the dead, disfigured body, then the unconscious teacher, then at Szayel. Szayel raised his eyebrow at them, causing them to scream and cling to each other. Ulquiorra and Orihime formed a solid barrier as they held each other in fear of Szayel while Gin tried to hide with them but the barrier was too strong and Gin was forced to try to jump in the circle of safety before finally hiding behind the two. Szayel rolled his eyes.

"Come on already, get over it. I've done worse, just don't think about it, this one was already dead." Szayel said heatedly. They were making him wait, the next class was going to start soon. Eventually, Gin stood up bravely, in his head at least, in reality, Ulquiorra and Orihime had kicked him out after him trying to get behind them. Eventually, Orihime pulled Ulquiorra to his feet and pushed him in front. Ulquiorra automatically resumed his unemotional facade, and Orihime walked cautiously behind him before forgetting the last class period as she caught sight of a butterfly. 'Nuff said.

"Come oon." Szayel whined. This was taking way too long. Orihime giggled and ran out the door. Gin and Ulquiorra followed all the while keeping an eye on a certain, devastatingly handsome and devious, mad scientist. Aforementioned madman sighed with relief that they were finally leaving to the next class.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

The elderly dean of the school walked with a frown on his face to the professor. The professor paused from his droning to excuse himself from his class and headed out the door, the dean followed.

"Hey, Barry, I have received some disturbing rumors from my Dolores that a Szayel look-alike is roaming the school. He apparently has denied any relation but I am not sure. Have you seen him?" The dean asked.

"Well, there was a little guy who came in late with a emo looking fellow, a sweet little girl, and a strange man who was very tall, and had a permanent smile on his face, pretty sketchy if you ask me." Professor Einglebright said, in a normal tone of voice he saves for his friends. The dean shuddered at the familiar description of the smiling man. "I'll tell you if I see them again, John. I saw them heading " The dean nodded and left, than paused.

"Is the reason you're trying to find him because of the thing that happened?" Barry asked. The dean didn't even have to turn to answer. A student made it's way out of the classroom.

"Professor Einglebright?" The student asked.

"Yes." The professor droned than returned to his class.

**Okay, this is part 1 I'm hoping to finish part 2 soon, but you've all waited so long I figured I'd get the 1****st**** part out. **

**1: Guess whose laugh was whose**

**2: Recognize those lines…maybe ;)**

**3: I know I cheated, but it's for the sake of humor.**

**4: See 2.**

**I love you all, and btw, this is the longest chapter I have ever written, and this is only the 1****st**** half. Plus sorry if there's a bunch of mistakes, I was in a bit of a rush to get some of the story out.**


	6. Helping Nurse Szayel Part 2

**Espionage and Madness **

**Helping Nurse Szayel…Part 2**

**o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

Szayel sighed. He didn't remember college as being this hard. _Could it be the work? _Szayel asked himself. His light side shook its head. Szayel hmmed and asked, _The teachers? _Once again his light side shook its head. Szayel pursed his lips before catching sight of his comrades trying to figure out a sliding door. _Them? _Szayel asked. His light side gaped in astonishment before shaking its head. Szayel shrugged and locked his light side back up. Szayel turned to his companions and opened the door for them. All of them stepped inside the classroom and headed to chairs. The teacher stopped Szayel.

"You look familiar have you been here before?" The professor asked, Szayel threw his books down on the floor.

"What? Is everyone I went to college with a professor, couldn't they do anything else with their lives? What the real world isn't good enough for them?" Szayel yelled. Gin, Ulquiorra and Orihime dragged Szayel away from the surprised teacher, not noticing the familiar glint of glasses in the corner. The person with the glasses sent off a text and laid low. The class went on for a boring 30 minutes before a giant boom filled the room. Standing in a broken wall was none other than one Ichigo Kurosaki, in full shinigami wear. Ichigo shouted out his battle cry and made a beeline for what looked like Orihime, but was really Ulquiorra. Ulquiorra's eyes widened as he was carried off, followed by the teacher, who was throwing rulers and yelling kidnap.

Gin, Szayel, and Orihime were left staring in shock and horror. Then, Uryu Ishida fled the premises. Orihime stared then jumped to the hole in the wall and shouted.

"After the Woman!"

"After EMOSPADA!" Gin called in agreement and they both started out the hole.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Ulquiorra had never been more uncomfortable in his whole life. Not even when he had to tell Lord Aizen that he had toilet paper on his shoe, or when he had to retrieve some feminine products for the woman from Harribel. Not even when he had walked in on Grimmjow singing and dancing to 'Moves like Jagger' and had to tell him that the song was not about him. Not even when Charlotte Cuulhorn came up to him, put one arm around his shoulder and the other in a place that it had no business in resting and whispered in his ear, 'I go both ways.'

Those were bad but nothing compared to having to sit through the substitute shinigami struggling to profess his love to Orihime, and it wasn't Orihime, not that Ichigo knew that, but what Ulquiorra couldn't get over was that fate hated him so much, that it put him in this position, this position where he was forced to hear all the sappy words coming from the man he hated's mouth, to the girl he, ULQUIORRA, did not think was trash. Oh the Irony.

But Ulquiorra did take the time to watch for any good words that he could then steal, in case he ever decided to tell the woman she was not trash. Not that there was a big chance of that. Suddenly, he noticed a silence. Ulquiorra looked cautiously at Ichigo, who was getting closer and closer, leaning in. Ulquiorra cocked his head, what was the substitute shinigami doing. Wait, he had seen that face before. Ulquiorra couldn't hold it anymore and he screamed and fell backward on the floor. Ichigo opened his eyes.

"So you like to play hard to get huh, well I'm game my darling princess." Ichigo said before letting out an attempt at a seductive purr and launched himself at Ulquiorra.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"Come on Szayel, we can't leave him." Orihime said in exasperated tone. Szayel stood off to the side awkwardly.

"But, like, isn't this a good thing? Now that Ichigo thinks he's got Orihime, he'll stay out of our way, the war is ours, we win." Szayel said slowly. Gin and Orihime stared blankly. "After we win, then we just get Ulquiorra back."

"Noo, obviously, he would fight anyway so the only thing is ta go save Ulquiorra." Gin said. Szayel still stood awkwardly. Gin thought for a second then he saw the path.

"Wait, you're too smart, ya would've known tha already," Gin said. Szayel's eyes widened. "Ohh, I see, ya are jus' afraid ta ditch a class."

"Am not." Szayel stomped his foot. Gin grinned like a fox going in for the kill.

"Are ta!"

"Am not!"

"Are ta."

"AM . NOT! And I'll prove it, lets go get emospada!" Szayel cried. Gin cheered.

"TA BETSY!" Gin called heroically. The dynamic trio ran out the hole in the wall and kept running, then stopped at the place where they last saw Betsy.

"Here Betsy, Betsy, Betsy." Szayel called. Orihime whistled. Then Gin stood to full height, lost his smile and shouted.

"Betsy, HEEL!" Immediately, the earth shook as Betsy came running and sat obediently at Gin's feet. Gin's usual smile returned as Szayel, who had barely jumped out of the way in time stood and everyone jumped on Betsy.

"Which way?" Szayel asked. Gin froze.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Meanwhile, Ulquiorra's mouth was full. Of chocolate. Ichigo had brought them with flowers, and even Ichigo wasn't dim enough not to notice the gleam in Ulquiorra's eye as he grabbed the chocolate. The flowers lay abandoned on the floor.

Ichigo was encouraged by this, Orihime seemed to be coming around. Chocolate must bring her out of Aizen's evil mind controlling powers.

Ulquiorra was wearing down. He even let the boy hug him, as long as he had chocolate. Ulquiorra knew somewhere that this was not good, but he never could control himself around chocolate.

Ichigo smiled as he hugged "Orihime". If she loved chocolate this much, what else did she love? Ichigo got up and left a pile of chocolate in Ulquiorra's lap.

Ulquiorra sat munching happily. Meanwhile Murcielago was screaming in anger. _WHAT ARE YOU DOIN, YOU ARE THE CUARTO ESPADA GETTING HANDFED BY YOUR WORST ENEMY, I'M EMBARRASSED TO CALL YOU MASTER! THIS IS DISGUSTING. _

"Chhhooocooolaatteee."

_DOES IT LOOK LIKE I GIVE A CRAP ABOUT YOUR WEAKNESS, NO, GET OVER IT AND FIGHT IT._

"It's just hugs, it's not a big deal. He loves me and wants to give me chocolate. Where's the harm. Why do you have a problem with our relationship. Are you jealous?" Ulquiorra retorted. Murcielago froze with horror beyond all imagining.

_I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST SAID THAT! THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS WRONG WITH THAT THAT I CAN'T EVEN DESCRIBE HOW MUCH I FEAR YOU RIGHT NOW. OUR RELATIONSHIP? AM I JEALOUS? THE WORLD HAS GONE CRAZY._

Ichigo finally got back. He went over to Ulquiorra and opened his hands. Laying in his hands was a crystal angel shaped knick-knack. Ulquiorra froze.

"Shiiinyyy." Ulquiorra sat transfixed. Murcielago froze also. _Shiiinyyy. _

Ichigo smiled. He knew this would do it, the time was now, while "Orihime" sat transfixed. Ichigo slowly leaned in and closed his eyes.

Ulquiorra tried to fight it, but the power of the shiny was too much for even Murcielago. Murcielago sat screaming but unable to turn his head away from the shiny. The sun shone through the only window and intensified the shine. Ulquiorra's eyes got wider, rounder, and impossibly huge.

Ichigo leaned in closer and closer.

Ulquiorra sat transfixed. Murcielago still struggled against the massive power of the shine, but even he was overcome. _Maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe he'll keep up the chocolate and shiny's. _Suddenly the image of a diamond ring flashed in Ulquiorra's mind. Murcielago nodded in absent approval at the shine. The image was followed by an image of him, not still in Orihime's gigai, standing victoriously next to Ichigo, at the alter, with a priest, then the image of him, pregnant, at home smiling at the strawberry, came to mind, then them growing old. With black and orange-haired grandchildren jumping around. Something in Ulquiorra's mind just broke, shattered, the images burned into his now broken mind. Murcielago screamed in horror. Ulquiorra fell backwards, in slow motion and blank eyes. He landed on the floor and screamed out his horror and agony.

Ichigo gasped, Aizen's mind control device must be dying. The screams from the floor sounded through the halls and Ichigo winced.

Pain. Burning. He would have to destroy this memory. Murcielago screaming. Murcielago would never forgive him for this. Ulquiorra would never forgive the carrot top for this.

Suddenly, a huge crash sounded and Betsy burst through the wall. Ichigo screamed in surprise, though it wasn't heard over Ulquiorra's screams.

"Hey, thi' isn' the bathroom." Gin said. Szayel gave him a weird look. "Jus' kiddin' jeez, WE'RE HERE FOR EMOSPADA!"

Ichigo pointed at the Ulquiorra on Betsy, and Gin pointed at the Orihime on the floor, still screaming. Ichigo nodded in. Understanding?

"I can't let her go on in pain, tell Aizen he wins, better her in Las Noches than in excruciating pain due to Aizen's mind control device here, take her, be good to her." Ichigo said resigned. Gin cocked his eyebrow.

"Wha', Aizen's mind control devices aren' functioning ye-" Gin started but was cut off by Szayel.

"Very well earthling, she will thank you for this one day." Szayel said in a deep voice. Ichigo nodded and Orihime, jumped down and grabbed Ulquiorra off the ground and put him on Betsy. And jumped back on. Then at Gin's command, Betsy galloped away, leaving Ichigo in the dust.

"Why is he still screaming?" Orihime asked.

"Szayel, status report!" Gin called.

"I have no ide- wait, I have seen this before, in my tea partie- I mean experiments. Victims often screamed nonstop due to mental trauma."

"Well, how did you get them to stop?" Orihime asked.

"Well, we can't kill him. So that's out. Either we let him go until he has no voice left or we slap him." Everyone froze before launching into reasons why they should be the one to slap Ulquiorra.

"Wait, why do you to want to slap Ulquiorra so bad?" Orihime asked confused.

"Who hasn't wanted to slap Ulquiorra? You already got to so its either me or Gin. The chance to slap emospada without any repercussions from him, or Aizen. Grimmjow'll be sooooooo jealous." Szayel said. Orihime understood. It all made sense now.

"Well, Szayel should do it. Gin, you can probably just slap him randomly in the hallway anyway, since when have you been afraid of Ulquiorra, or Aizen." Orihime decided. Gin shrugged in agreement and Szayel looked like he got a specimen for Christmas. Szayel leaned over Ulquiorra, aimed, drew back, and slapped with all him might.

Suddenly Ulquiorra stopped screaming and shot a cero at him, which Szayel nimbly dodged. Ulquiorra looked deeply disturbed as he sat up. Gin scooted over and put his hand on Ulquiorra's head.

"Poor boy, what have they done to you." Gin said. Szayel laughed then sniffed.

"Did they give you chocolate? You reek of it." Orihime said. Ulquiorra froze.

"Do. Not. Say. That. Word." Ulquiorra gritted out. Everyone else gave each other puzzled looks.

"But, Ulqui-chan, tha's ya favorite word." Gin said. Ulquiorra twitched.

"Never mention that word or the despicable strawberry again." Ulquiorra said. Everyone shrugged but nodded all the same. Szayel twisted in his seat.

"And now, BACK TO SCHOOL!" Szayel cheered. Ulquiorra looked relieved that everything was going back to semi-normal. Orihime and Gin groaned.

"But it's borin'. How much longer do we hafta do this?" Gin sighed.

"Be thankful, normally you have to go through years and years of school. We just have to get Szayel his degree." Orihime said. Gin sighed again.

"How do normal people do thi'?" Gin said. Everyone ignored him. Betsy had finally arrived back at the college. Szayel could barely contain his excitement.

"Next class!" Szayel said. Betsy stopped suddenly causing Gin, Ulquiorra, Orihime, and Szayel to go flying once again, but this time they knew what to expect so they clasped hands in mid-air and all ended up in the same place, in front of their next class. Apparently, Betsy had good aim. They all stood up and with their now windblown hair only adding to their devastating good looks, they swept into the classroom. Szayel froze at the sight of the teacher. She was a looker even now. Szayel sauntered up to her and waited for the inevitable seven words. They never came.

"Do you have a question?" The professor asked. Szayel stood in shock.

"Wait, you don't recognize me?" Szayel asked, with a close to devastated look.

"No, have you taken this class before." She asked. Szayel sighed and hung his head.

"Never mind." Szayel said as he went to join his fellow troublemakers. Orihime gave him a sympathetic pat on the back.

"What happened, you strike out?" She asked.

"She was always the prettiest girl in school, I guess I shouldn't be surprised that she didn't remember. I just assumed she would, oh well. She's not my type anyway." Szayel said. Gin growled.

"She can't dis mah S-dawg like that." Gin said. He stood up with the air of vengeance.

"HEY, YA SHAMELESS HUSSY!" Gin shouted. Everyone stared in shock, including the now well aged teacher.

"Excuse me?" The teacher said. Szayel, Ulquiorra, and Orihime were all staring in shock at Gin.

"Ya heard me." Gin said with a vengeful grin. Szayel tried to tug Gin back.

"Gin, not a good idea, she can be kind of…unstabl-" Szayel was cut off as the teacher screeched like a she-demon and leapt at Gin. Gin tried to run but she clung to his back and attempted to destroy him. Szayel sighed in a reminiscing tone. Orihime and Ulquiorra were floored by the whole thing.

"Unstable?" Orihime asked.

"Yep, the most beautiful girl in the school, and her temper is just hot." Szayel said happily. Ulquiorra stared…and stared…and stared, ignoring the still yelling Murcielago in his head.

"Leave it to Szayel to be into BDSM." Orihime whispered to Ulquiorra, who promptly shuddered. Szayel rolled his eyes and continued to watch the show.

"Why isn't Gin doing something? Surely he can do more than scream and run in circles." Orihime asked.

"First of all, he's in a gigai, with the strength of an average human. Second of all, she has crazy strength, strength bestowed upon by god, to only the crazies in this world, which I may or may not have some of. Third of all, he can't hit a girl, even if he wanted to. Even though he can cut them in half if the occasion arises." Szayel listed. Gin continued to run in circles and finally Szayel had enough. He raised his hand.

"Professor?" Szayel said. The Professor froze and smiled benignly at Szayel.

"Yes?" She said. Gin stared unbelievingly, it was over.

"What is the furthest number discovered in pi?" Szayel asked, even though he fully knew the answer, and more. The teacher snapped to and immediately started doing formulas. Gin sat back down quietly.

"Thanks anyway, G-Dawg." Szayel said, barely loud enough for Gin to hear. Gin smiled.

"No problem, S-Dawg." Ulquiorra and Orihime sat transfixed by the chalk moving like a whirlwind across the board. They sat like that until the bell finally rang. Even then Ulquiorra and Orihime had trouble getting up. They were outside the classroom when Szayel realized he had left his favorite pen in the classroom.

"Brb." Szayel said. Gin and Ulquiorra looked confused but Orihime nodded. The classroom was deserted except for the teacher, who seemed to be having one of her crazy flashes, but the quiet stare into the past or space kind. Szayel just ignored it and went to search for his pen. Leaning over under his desk, he grabbed it off the ground and headed out of the classroom. As he was almost out the door, he heard a distinct sound.

"Goodbye, Szayel Aporro-Granz." Szayel smiled to himself.

"Goodbye, Cassandra." Szayel said as he disappeared out the door. His friends were waiting for him at the door and Szayel smiled gently at them. He had friends. Though he couldn't ever admit this. Ever. But he knew, so that didn't matter. If anyone ever said otherwise, it was the surgery table for them.

"Did you get your pen-that-is-not-just-a-pen?" Ulquiorra asked. Szayel smirked.

"Yep."

"How many uses does it have anyway?" Orihime asked.

"Ehh, about 143." Szayel said. "But that's a story for another time."

"I'm hungry." Gin said.

"To the cafeteria!" Orihime cheered. Szayel shrugged and led the way.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

The dean of the school had been continuing his rounds, searching for the possible descendent of Szayel Apporo-Granz. He had already been hearing strange reports of a gruesome scene in the biology class, Cassandra's mental illness being brought back…again, reports of kidnap, and more. This day has been the hardest he'd ever had. More reports of general chaos being caused by the Szayel lookalike, the one that was cheerful yet looked very emo, the emo girl who looked like her middle name should be sunshine, and the creepy, tall, squinty, and smiley man that the dean certainly remembered from his first appearance at school. The dean sniffed, he could smell chaos coming from the cafeteria. Yes, "Chaos" certainly not French fries or anything like that.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Szayel and co. were happily munching on French fries, while making small talk about Szayel's pen-that-is-not-just-a-pen. Suddenly, winds of change swept through the cafeteria, causing Ulquiorra to stiffen, Orihime to gasp, Gin to drop his smile and open his eyes, and Szayel to look solemnly at the man who had just entered the building.

"Szayel Apporo-Granz." The dean sighed. "It's been awhile." Szayel laughed nervously.

"Szayel Apporo-Granz is my grandfather, please, call me Szayel." Szayel said smoothly.

"I have something for your grandfather, though he is still not with us." The dean said. Szayel nodded.

"Back when I went to this school with Szayel the first, he was a strange one to be sure, but he was also very intelligent, sometimes too intelligent for his own good, which was the thing that eventually led to his downfall. Anyway, it was the day when we discovered if we would get our decree or not, and by some strange twist of fate, Szayel was not to get his. He dropped out of here and disappeared for a long time. Years later, he was in the headlines, Nurse at local hospital arrested for disturbing practices on patients, alive and deceased. He was found guilty but due to the amount of maniacal laughter during his trial and the claims that the government have hidden reports of something he called shinigami and hollows, they announced him insane and shipped him off to the nearest mental hospital, where he attempted many escaped until one finally succeeded and he vanished, never to be heard from again." The dean said, ignoring the tears in Orihime's eyes, and the embarrassment from Szayel.

"When I finally became the head of this school, I had discovered an oddity in files, and I found that Szayel had in fact earned his degree, yet for some strange reason, he was told he had failed. So here is Szayel's degree." The dean handed the old and dusty plaque to Szayel who held it gingerly.

"Excuse me for a second." Szayel said with a twitching eye. Gin, Ulquiorra and Orihime all stood with their mouths agape. All of this for nothing? Szayel exited the building and went out of sight. Suddenly, a loud yell was heard throughout the school along with several unsavory words that will not be repeated. Szayel quickly walked back in, seemingly completely normal, unless you looked closely at the swirling rage in his amber eyes.

"Well?" The dean asked.

"Well John," Szayel said, seemingly completely at ease, "I think I'm going to leave this school and return to my old job, who needs to be a doctor anyway." The dean nodded and slowly headed towards the door. But not without a blown kiss from Gin, causing the elderly dean to shuffle that much faster from the room.

"Well, wha' now?" Gin asked.

"We're going home." Szayel said. "I'm finished here. Plus, I'm missing valuable research time, we are in a war you know." Gin grinned. Ulquiorra shrugged and Orihime gaped at the fact that there was a war going on. Szayel led the way outside and the four walked side by side off to a space where Betsy would fit.

"What are we going to do with the gigai's? Keep them or give them back to Urahara?" Orihime asked. Gin snorted as the answer was obvious.

"U-Dawg only lent em to us, we can' keep em." Gin said.

"Then why does he have these?" Ulquiorra asked.

"Ya didn't think he made hi' money by sellin' candy didja silly?" Gin said as he tweaked Ulquiorra's nose. Ulquiorra, Szayel, and Orihime froze then shuddered, not even wanting to know what Urahara was using their gigai's for.

"You know what, you guys go ahead, I have one more thing to do, I'll meet up with you at Urahara's shop." Szayel said with a wicked glint in his eyes. He leapt out of the gigai and the human shape of Szayel slumped to the ground as the real Szayel sonidoed away, pink hair and all.

"I don' like the look o' tha'." Gin said. While picking up Szayel's gigai. Then Gin whistled for Betsy and she came a running. The three jumped on and headed off for Urahara's shop. Once they got there, there was a strange sight to see.

"Gin you traitor, what are you doing here, leave before I destroy you with the power of good. And give Orihime back." Urahara shouted. Gin looked shocked and Ulquiorra shuddered as he was currently in Orihime's gigai.

"But U-Dawg, wha' going on, I thought we were bro's." Gin said sadly. Urahara signaled wildly with his eyes at the black cat sitting on the railing watching the show. Gin's eyes widened as he understood everything.

"HISSSS, not the power of good, take the woman and let us go in peace." Gin cried as he shoved Ulquiorra towards Urahara. Gin hissed dramatically at Urahara again and as Urahara grabbed ahold of Ulquiorra, Gin jumped back on Betsy with Orihime. Yoruichi rolled her eyes and transformed back into human form. Gin smiled.

"Heya Yoruichi, long tim' no see." Gin said as he looked her up and down. Yoruichi rolled her eyes again.

"Do you want me to mention this to Rangiku?" Yoruichi said, Urahara floated by continuing to gesture wildly. Gin shook his head quickly and kept his eyes on her face. Ulquiorra was blushing like a maniac and so was Orihime.

"You better leave before we call soul society." Yoruichi said. Gin hissed again at the name.

"Here, take these useless gigai's back," Gin said, ignoring Urahara's distant indignant 'hey', "We'll be on our way as soon as our comrade joins us." Yoruichi crossed her arms and waited. And waited. And waited. At this point, the sun had started to go down and Gin was getting tired of the gigai. He leapt out of it and signaled Ulquiorra and Orihime to do the same. Yoruichi and Urahara jumped as what looked like Orihime had been Ulquiorra in a gigai and what looked like Ulquiorra had been Orihime in a gigai.

"Ahaha ahayo Urahara and Yoruichi!" Orihime laughed nervously. Ulquiorra walked stiffly back to the dark side of the porch and gave Yoruichi the stink eye. Orihime walked over to Yoruichi and whispered something.

"Don't try to rescue me, I am fine, and I am undercover." Orihime said. Yoruichi stared at her unbelievingly and Urahara floated by in disbelief. Ulquiorra stared and hoped it wasn't so, but he would have to wait for Agent Fairy, Ninja, Princess, Robot in Space to confirm. Orihime waltzed back over and winked at Ulquiorra and Gin, who relaxed, Orihime wouldn't betray them like that.

"So, where is your little pink friend?" Urahara asked as he popped up out of nowhere. Gin shrugged.

"Where's ya vicious feline frien'?" Gin asked. Urahara smiled sheepishly.

"She's taking a catnap in the shop." Urahara said nonchalantly. Suddenly, Szayel appeared in the distance. He hadn't seen them yet and he was wiping something on the inside of his coat. He appeared very satisfied and more like the Szayel that they had first met. The more bloodthirsty and maniacal one. Suddenly, Szayel's head snapped up and he waved cheerfully at them. They waved back as they pretended they weren't slightly creeped out.

"Good, you're still here, I was afraid you had left already." Szayel said while straightening his sleeves. Urahara collected the gigais and deposited them down a trapdoor labeled Fun Room, $600 an hour. Ulquiorra groaned, he was afraid that was what Urahara had made the gigais for.

"Nah S-Dawg, we wouldn' leave with out ya." Gin said. Orihime smiled then gave a start as she noticed something.

"Is that blood on your sleeve?" Orihime asked.

"No, of course not, no, silly girl. Lets go." Szayel said. Orihime shrugged it off, he had probably done worse. Urahara waved them off, then when Yoruichi appeared to look out the window suspiciously, he changed his wave to an angry fist shake, which wasn't fooling anybody for a second. Gin, Ulquiorra, Orihime, and Szayel got on Betsy, and began to make their way to Las Noches.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

**So sorry for the lateness of this chapter, and most likely future chapters, I am not and will not abandon this fic for the record lol, in case anyone was worried. Reviews are always appreciated and my priority fic to finish is the one with the most reviews. **

**P.S. Check out my profile, Bleach Unmasked 3 has been released and anyone who wants to know more about the espada should check it out, it contains Ulquiorra's past also. On my profile there's some of the info that I got, though I didn't read it myself, and theres a link where you can see you tube video of the pages.**


	7. The Dangers of Gills

**A/N No reviews T.T This makes me very sad. **

**Special thanks to Kairikiani for this chapter.**

**Espionage and Insanity**

**o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

"This next mission will be the most dangerous mission yet!" Orihime stage whispered. Even Gin and Ulquiorra were afraid of the challenge ahead. Szayel was back happily playing in his lab and Betsy was back in Aizen's stables.

"This is a suicide mission, I don't think we can do this." Ulquiorra whispered. Gin fervently agreed. Orihime almost agreed with them.

"We have to though, no choice, it must be done. Here comes the target, quick, act natural." Orihime whispered frantically. Moments later, Harribel walked through and took a doughnut off the table then walked out of the kitchen. Gin, Orihime, and Ulquiorra sighed with relief, she hadn't seen them.

o0o0o0o

Harribel walked quickly away from the kitchen. She didn't know what Gin, Orihime, and Ulquiorra were doing under the table, but she didn't want to find out.

o0o0o0o

The three gotten out from under the table and were making a plan to make a plan on how to complete their current mission. The current mission you ask? Find out if Tia Harribel had gills, and if so, where they were. Some may call this a suicide plan. Some would be right. Yet, how would they know if they didn't try.

"Well that's one place we can't plan at. She frequents there too often. What's the one place she would never go." Orihime said. Gin and Ulquiorra thought hard.

"AHA!" All three said at the same time. Mistakenly believing that they all had the same idea, all three ran to the place they were thinking of. Orihime ran to Nnoitra's room, Gin ran to Szayel's lab, and Ulquiorra ran to Aizen's personal quarters.

Nnoitra's room wasn't as dirty and creepy as you would expect. Things were for the most part clean. Orihime correctly attributed this to Tesla. Yet she did not expect that there was two places Tesla was not allowed to clean. Under the bed, and the tiny Nel shrine in the corner of the room. Orihime saw this and her eyes widened.

"What do you think you're doing." Nnoitra asked dangerously. Orihime gasped and jumped.

"Please don't hurt me. I'll just get out of here and this never happened ok, its going to all be ok." Orihime said soothingly, fearing for her innocence and life. Nnoitra rolled his eye.

"Yeah, sure, whatever just get out of here." Nnoitra said bored. Orihime froze, he didn't seem very threatening. Orihime decided she must unravel the mystery, so she did something stupid.

"Are you gunna make me?" Orihime said challengingly. Nnoitra looked at her like she was crazy.

"Get out of here already, I have things to do." Nnoitra sighed.

"Am I one of them?" Orihime asked seductively. Nnoitra grimaced.

"No, now get the hell out of here before I reap your SOUL!" Nnoitra said, he was starting to get very annoyed.

"Reap my soul, that's a new one, I'd like to see you try." Orihime got right up into Nnoitra's astonished face.

o0o0o0o

At Szayel's lab, Gin was hiding under Szayel's desk, which Szayel graciously allowed. It smelt a little funny, but it was okay since Szayel was ticklish. Szayel's current patient has his back turned to Szayel's desk and didn't know the source of the giggling. Szayel stood up and snapped a rubber glove on one hand.

"Now Barragan, stand, turn and cough. Don't worry, I'm a doctor. And cancer is a real problem in older men such as yourself." Szayel said. Gin grimaced and covered his eyes. Barragan obeyed the instructions with hesitation, but it wasn't like he had a choice, Aizen had insisted "for his own good."

"Now this is the icky bit." Szayel commented. Barragan grimaced. This wasn't a good day. Gin screamed in horror on the inside even though his eyes were still closed. Gin prepared to make a run for it.

o0o0o0o

"Ulquiorra my boy, what are you doing here?" Aizen asked a surprised Ulquiorra. Ulquiorra hadn't meant to hide in the space under the bed where Aizen was already hiding. Ulquiorra quickly used his smarticle skills to make an excuse that wouldn't warrant any questions.

"The woman was attempting to teach me about the birds and the bees." Ulquiorra said. Aizen chuckled in understanding.

"I remember the day I had to teach young Gin about the birds and the bees, he hid too. Wouldn't talk to any girls for weeks." Aizen said.

"Lord Aizen? Why are you under the bed?" Ulquiorra dared to venture to ask. Aizen looked shifty.

"I haven't seen Gin in awhile, so I'm just steering clear of any easily trapped place." Aizen said.

"Gin is concentrated deeply on something else at the moment. He asked me not to tell you." Ulquiorra said.

"That's ok, I think I'd rather not know." Aizen chuckled nervously. "Now, I think there is something we deeply need to discuss." Ulquiorra's eyes widened.

"Sometimes when a man and a woman love each other very much," Aizen started. He didn't get a chance to finish it as Ulquiorra fled. Aizen chuckled. This was all part of his evil plan to get Ulquiorra out of his hiding spot. Everyone knew when two people hid in one spot, it made the spot twice as easy to find.

"If you ever need me, Agent God, and his sidekick, Agent Hair Curl are easy to find." Aizen shouted hopefully. He smiled. "What good children we have." Aizen said to his hair curl. The hair curl bobbed. Possibly of it's own accord.

"ULQUIORRA!" Gin yelled through the halls. All current occupants chose to scatter. They had also noticed Gin's lack of trouble making. Ulquiorra heard him from some hallways away and quickly headed in the direction of the fleeing arrancars.

"Gin there you are, where's Orihime?" Ulquiorra asked. Gin shrugged.

"I dunno, I jus' headed for the place Harribel wouldn' ever go, Szayel's lab. Where'd you go?" Gin asked.

"I went to Aizen's personal quarters, but that is a story for another time, now, if I were the woman, where would the place Harribel would never go?" Ulquiorra asked. Gin gasped, and Ulquiorra gasped a moment later and both ran for Nnoitra's quarters.

"NNOITRA, PUT THE WOMAN DOWN!" Ulquiorra thundered as he broke down the door. He and Gin burst in to a strange sight. Orihime was yelling at Nnoitra and Nnoitra was groaning on his bed, with a pillow over his head, trying to block out her voice.

"Egad Orihime, shut it." Gin said. Orihime stopped her nagging and Nnoitra uncovered his head.

"THANK AIZEN, JUST GET HER OUT OF HERE BEFORE I REAP ALL YOUR SOULS!" Nnoitra yelled.

"There you go with the reaping souls again, blah blah blah blah blah." Orihime's words turned to blahs in all the male occupants ears. Ulquiorra picked up Orihime and with a quick sorry to Nnoitra flash stepped out of there, followed quickly by Gin. Nnoitra could've cried with happiness, but he settled for locking his door.

"Woman, are you crazy, he could have hurt you." Ulquiorra said. Orihime scoffed.

"Him, as if, that's what I though too until he just threw a tantrum, he's just an overgrown child." Orihime said nonchalantly. Neither Gin or Ulquiorra decided to ever test that theory.

"Now back to finding out if Harribel has gills." Orihime said. Both Gin and Ulquiorra covered her mouth. She shook them off. "She wouldn't come here, the only thing near this hall is the men's bathroom." Orihime said.

"Oh, well then, I think we should sneak inta her room and place cameras." Gin said.

"If she found them, she would destroy us." Ulquiorra reminded Gin.

"She wouldn't know who did it." Orihime said. "Let's just call that Plan B."

"Plan A can be just ask her." Orihime said cheerfully. Ulquiorra and Gin shared a look.

"Let's just call that plan Z only to be used if all other plans fail." Ulquiorra said. Orihime shrugged.

"So, wha's plan A?" Gin asked. Everyone thought about it. Orihime snapped her fingers.

"We get Szayel's help and disguise ourselves as her fraccion, we get her real fraccion out of the way and we infiltrate the room. Then we wing it from there!" Orihime shouted. Everyone shrugged, there was no way that plan could go wrong.

"TA PINKY'S LAIR!" Gin shouted.

o0o0o0o

Szayel looked perplexed, yet strangely intrigued.

"Harribel's fraccion you say?" Szayel asked. Orihime nodded. "And keep Harribel busy?" Orihime nodded again. "That is going to be some hard work."

"Don' worry 'bout tha'. I already placed the idea in Aizen's head." Gin said happily.

"Makes sense, I suppose." Szayel said to himself. "Alright, Gin will be Sun-Sun because he's the skinniest and the tallest, Ulquiorra will be Apache, because he is the shortest and doesn't need stuffing, and Orihime will be Mila-Rose, because there is no way we'd manage to tape those down." Szayel announced. "Let me just check the Las Noches storage room." Szayel quickly walked away and was back in a minute, with armfuls of things.

"Orihime, you here, high heels, hair dye, wig, plaster for hollow mask, outfit, and lots of face paint."

"Gin, you here, wig, paint, make-up, plaster, robes, and contacts."

"Ulquiorra, you here, wig, contacts, make-up, clothes, and plaster." Szayel moved like a blur, placing objects where they went and was done in a matter of minutes.

"Ta-Da!" Szayel announced, leading the three to a mirror.

"Where did you get the right clothes?" Orihime asked. Szayel shrugged.

"Aizen had more than one pair made up, in case any get ruined." Szayel said. The three looked as much like Harribel's fraccion as possible. Their facial features notwithstanding.

"Szayel, did you already take care of Apache, Mila-Rose, and Sun-Sun?" Orihime asked. Szayel nodded.

"They are currently hiding from their appointments. Later, I will have to hunt them down." Szayel said. "Have fun, and don't get killed."

o0o0o0o

Harribel stood awkwardly off to the side, why did Aizen and Szayel want to see her, and why were her fraccion running around Las Noches mumbling about appointments.

o0o0o0o

"Shh, this is it." Orihime hurriedly shushed her companions. Gin and Ulquiorra listened, and Orihime almost reverently opened the door. No alarms went off, no lasers or anything. Yet, inside was one of the strangest sight they had ever seen. There was a moat with a bridge around the inside of the room, and there were actual sharks, or shark hollows, inside the moat. The center of the room looked like an island with sand and a palm tree. Three small bridges led from the respective side of island and into other rooms.

"Wow, Aizen didn' give ME tha' much allowance for mah room." Gin said jealously. Ulquiorra nodded in agreement. The three crossed the main bridge while cautiously watching the sharks. The sharks gave them a weird look, but nothing else.

"Let's find Harribel's bed." Orihime said. Gin, Ulquiorra and Orihime each went to a different bridge and looked in.

"Lion habitat over here, this must be Mila-Rose." Ulquiorra said. The room had Savanna paintings with lion prides and herds of various animals on the wall and had a high temperature.

"Snake, definitely Sun-Sun." Orihime grimaced. The room was dark and heated, she really couldn't see very well into it.

"And thi' is some kind of happy deer farm." Gin said. Forest painting were everywhere along with leaves on the floor.

"Well, there are the fraccion room, where is Harribel's?" Orihime asked puzzled. After a moment of contemplations, all eyes turned to the moat.

"Nooo." Orihime said, fascinated.

"Only one way at find out." Gin said. Ulquiorra groaned.

o0o0o0o

"My daughter, cancer is a serious problem." Aizen said in his best concerned father tone. Szayel stood to his left. Szayel sighed.

"Look, I'm not too happy about this either. Plus, you're not my type." Szayel said.

"See, everything will be fine, even I must take an exam. Everyone has to take one." Aizen said. Harribel didn't say anything, just stared. Szayel sighed again.

"There are two cancers I will be searching for. One is breast cancer." Szayel began, wincing as he saw Harribel's threatening look.

"What's the other." Harribel finally asked. Szayel winced.

"Cervical cancer." Szayel said.

"Where do you search for that one?" Harribel asked suspiciously. Szayel wished he hadn't gotten his degree.

o0o0o0o

Orihime stared at the sharks.

"How are we going to get past them?" She asked in disbelief. Gin thought for a moment before looking at Ulquiorra staring into the water a few feet away. Gin saw the path. He picked up the astonished Ulquiorra and tossed him as far away as he could into the moat. The sharks immediately went after him and Gin pushed Orihime in and followed her underwater. Ulquiorra swam for his life and Gin looked around for an exit. Orihime followed Gin closely as they found a patch of light that was not coming from the outside.

Orihime let out a huge gasp as she broke the surface of a small cave. Gin followed suit and with only one curious look at the direction of where he assumed Ulquiorra would be, he got up into the cave. There were paintings of ocean creatures and a waterbed in the corner of the cave. Orihime and Gin stared openmouthed as they looked around.

"We did it!" Orihime cheered in a hushed voice. "Now what?" Gin thought about it. He pulled something out of his sleeve and cranked a few knobs on it and let the small fox figurine drop from his hand. It rushed to a hole in the cave and hid there to wait for further instruction. Orihime gaped.

"Where did you get that?" Orihime asked.

"I had Szayel make me some, he could prolly make ya some too." Gin said. "Once I completely activate it, it'll film and we can direct it ta the angle we need ta see under Harribel's collar, then we call it the next day." Gin said happily. Orihime nodded, impressed in spite of herself.

"Let's go, I don' know how much longer Ulqui-chan can hold off the sharks." Gin said before leaping into the water. Orihime quickly followed suit.

The sharks were very occupied chasing Ulquiorra, who had somehow managed to apply sonido to swimming and Gin and Orihime got through without a hitch. Standing on the shore, Gin decided it was time to put Ulquiorra out of his misery.

"Shoot to kill, Shinso." Gin said as Shinso shot out and impaled Ulquiorra's coat to the wall. Then, with Ulquiorra attached to Shinso, it retracted bringing Ulquiorra back to the shore. Ulquiorra fled with Gin and Orihime following after.

o0o0o0o

Harribel walked quickly and uncomfortably back to her room, vowing never to look Szayel in the eye again. Judging by his expression when she left, he had made the same vow. Harribel had told him the current locations of her fraccion though, if cancer was that big of a thing, they needed to be checked too. Even if it wasn't known if hollows could get cancer.

o0o0o0o

"Gin, is that why Aizen is making me check everyone for genital cancer, just so you could sneak into Harribel's room?" Szayel asked Gin in a very mentally unstable voice. Gin nodded happily.

"And it worked perfectly." Gin said. Szayel shuddered.

"Come on, you're a doctor now, to protect and serve and all that jazz." Gin said cheerfully. Szayel twitched and returned to the peaceful solitude of his laboratory.

"Another Las Noches resident mentally scarred, mah work here is complete." Gin cheered. Ulquiorra checked over his shoulder for sharks and Orihime smiled at him.

"Now let's go see wha' lil Foxy has done so far." Gin said as he headed to his personal camera room.

Little Foxy as Gin had dubbed the machine had not done much. The only recordings that were sent back were of it getting startled by a painting of a fish. A very big fish. Gin grinned. He was a patient man. Orihime however, was not.

"How much longer will this take?" Orihime asked after about an hour of replaying the part where little Foxy got startled by a painting. Suddenly, Harribel was shown in the picture. Gin stopped his replaying of Little Foxy, Ulquiorra stopped counting the tiles on the ceiling and Orihime stopped complaining as they all three stared at the screen. Harribel grabbed a piece of paper that was tacked to the wall and wrote something on it. Foxy quickly zoomed in to see a title that said, 'People to no longer make eye contact with'. The list included Nnoitra, Aizen, and Gin, and the newest addition was Szayel.

Harribel sighed and laid down on her waterbed and played water sounds on a radio nearby. Then she slowly fell asleep. Gin nearly shouted with victory.

"Come in Foxy, initiate plan A." Gin said. Foxy scrambled onto the waterbed and attempted to make his way to Harribel's collar. The waterbed was very difficult to navigate and Foxy almost found himself sleeping with the fishes several times. He finally made his way into position and all three hooligans stared at Harribel's hollow mask.

"Well, now what?" Gin said defeated. There was no way they were going to get past a hollow mask. Ulquiorra looked devastated.

"Now, plan Z." Orihime said. Gin gasped and opened his eyes, Ulquiorra's eyes widened, and Orihime looked grave. The universe itself gasped in shock.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"Harribel, do you have gills?" Orihime asked. Gin and Ulquiorra cowered slightly behind Orihime and watched warily. Harribel sighed in relief.

"So, that's what all that was about, with all your silence Gin I thought you were planning on overthrowing Aizen and taking over Hueco Mundo." Harribel said. Gin looked shifty.

"Well, ya see, I'm a snake, with cold skin, no emotions, that slithers around searching for prey with its tongue, swallowing down those that look tasty." Gin said in a creepy and low voice while drawing himself up to his fullest height and leaning slightly over Harribel in a menacing way. Harribel stared him down while Orihime and Ulquiorra looked away. Aizen, who had just turned the corner heard this, shook his head like he had déjà vu, and turned and walked away quickly. Harribel and Gin were in a stand-off. Neither willing to break the gaze, Gin's smile slowly grew and then he laughed. Orihime and Ulquiorra nervously followed suit and Harribel looked away, mentally reminding herself to underline Gin on her 'people not to look in eyes' list.

"So, do you? Have gills?" Ulquiorra spoke up, breaking the awkward silence. Harribel laughed and all residents who heard it feared for their lives.

"No, I do not have gills." Harribel said with a final laugh as she walked away. Gin, Orihime, and Ulquiorra sighed with relief.

"It's all over." Orihime sighed.

"On ta our next adventure!" Gin shouted as he ran in slow motion away singing his own theme song. Ulquiorra and Orihime looked at each other, then shrugged and joined him. All arrancars seeing the three coming ran for their lives. Aizen was at the forefront of the mad stampede, and though he would deny it later, he was definitely seen throwing less strong arrancars out of his way in hopes that it would slow Gin down enough to give him and his hair curl more time.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"Stupid, nosy, people. Why can't they just leave well enough alone. So what if I have gills. Must pay Szayel a "friendly visit" and remind him to keep his mouth shut." Harribel mumbled to herself. Elsewhere, Szayel shivered. A small noise made Harribel look to the corner of her room. She got up and went over to the corner of the room and put her hand in a hole in the wall and drew out a small mechanical fox. Harribel narrowed her eyes and hissed one word.

"_Revenge_."

**o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

**Small cliffy, tune in next time and if you liked it, or it made you laugh, drop a review, I love hearing about your favorite parts of the chapter. Also, If you ever had any ideas of what they could do next, just let me know and I'll try to put it in. **

**Also, side note, how are the updates, perhaps not good, but definitely better!**


	8. Spreading the Valentine's Love

**Special thanks to Vampire13princess for reviewing.**

**Espionage and Insanity**

**o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

Ulquiorra grimaced.

"I don't like this one." He said. Orihime and Gin rolled their eyes.

"Come on, don't be a baby." Orihime said. Ulquiorra's lip quivered.

"You don't understand, you don't have one you don't know." Ulquiorra said. The mission this time? Locate all hollow holes on the espada and throw something through it.

"Come on, aren't you the least bit curious about where the hollow holes are?" Orihime asked.

"That is besides the point! It's a suicide mission. Harribel alone would destroy us completely, she's still not happy with us from the last time. Plus, do you really want to know where all the hollow holes are?" Ulquiorra asked. Gin and Orihime nodded vigorously. Ulquiorra gave them a look of disbelief.

"Trust me, you don't." Ulquiorra said. Gin and Orihime gave each other a look.

"Ulquiorra. Will you go get us some donuts, we need to confer whether or not we will address your concerns." Gin said in an incredibly business-like voice. Orihime nodded and mimed pushing up imaginary glasses. Ulquiorra sighed and left.

"We can't let him in this one, he's not strong enough." Orihime said in an official tone.

"I concur with your analysis." Gin said. "'e is jus' a boy."

"We tell him that we agree and the new mission is to give everyone a chocolate heart for Valentine's Day. Then, at later date, when he isn't expecting in, we attack. Break on 3, 1, 2, 3, break." Orihime said. Gin nodded and just in time as Ulquiorra showed up balancing a plate of donuts on one hand. Orihime bounced to a erect standing military position.

"Ulquiorra Sexypants Schiffer!" Orihime announced in a blank tone. Gin's jaw dropped and Ulquiorra mouthed don't ask to Gin. "We have carefully reviewed your suggestion, and we accept your proposal." Ulquiorra nodded relieved.

"The new mission is as follows. Give a chocolate heart to each espada and fraccion, and our beloved Aizen and Tousen. Don't forget Wonderweiss." Orihime finished. Ulquiorra looked immensely relieved. Gin looked downright devious. If Ulquiorra thought anything was amiss, he didn't show it.

"Where do we get chocolate hearts?" Ulquiorra asked. Gin looked away awkwardly before pulling out a package addressed to one Jushiro Ukitake from one Retsu Unohana, with a message that said,

"Happy Valentine's Day." Orihime and Ulquiorra stared at Gin in disbelief as he avoided their glances.

"You stole chocolate from a sick man?" Orihime exclaimed. Gin looked away.

"It's not mah fault! If Ulquiorra hadn' eaten the ones she sent me, Aizen, an' Tousen, I wouldn' have taken Ukitake's chocolate." Gin exclaimed. Ulquiorra looked away guiltily at Orihime's astonished look. Then Orihime was distracted by a sudden thought.

"Wait, Unohana sent you guys chocolate for valentine's day? After you defected? All of you?" Orihime asked.

"Retsu would neveh be so cruel as to cu' us off from 'er special Valentine candy." Gin said, scandalized. "I love Retsu, didja know tha' she useta make me my own bunny shaped chocolate because I like ta bite off their heads, especially in front of little Rukia-chan." Orihime shook her head in disbelief and decided to ignore that last fact.

"And you're really willing to share that?" Ulquiorra asked. Gin nodded happily, but when Orihime and Ulquiorra turned away for a split second, Gin opened his eyes and glared suspiciously at Ulquiorra, but just as soon as it had came, it was gone. Yet Ulquiorra still felt the cold sting of it on the back of his neck.

"Alright, who first?" Ulquiorra asked.

"Let's do Starrk, he's least likely to hurt us." Orihime said.

"Why would he hurt us for giving him chocolate?" Ulquiorra asked. Gin waved away his question and set off to Den de los Lobos, as Gin had named it for Starrk.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"Lilinette, will you wake up Starrk for us, we have a present for you guys for Valentine's Day?" Orihime said.

"What's Valentine's Day?" She asked.

"It's a beautiful day when people who love each other give flowers and chocolate to show their love. Or if you're single, you can give something and a poem to someone you like." Orihime quickly explained. Lilinette thought about it.

"Hey Starrk, What's coffee?" Lilinette yelled. Starrk bolted awake.

"Don't you dare give any to her." Starrk yelled to whoever had the coffee. He looked around. No one had any coffee. He sighed in relief.

"Alright, what is it?" He asked tiredly.

"Happy Valentine's Day!" Orihime yelled as she handed Starrk his chocolate heart, and Ulquiorra handed Lilinette hers. Lilinette smiled. Starrk nodded, then fell asleep.

"Trust me, he's really happy. Not many people go out of their way to give us stuff." Lilinette said quietly. "Come back soon." Ulquiorra, Orihime, and Gin quickly agreed then left, feeling warm and fuzzy. Lilinette opened her chocolate, the broke it in half and put one half in a box labeled

_To small White-haired captain._

_Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, _

_You're really cute, Call me._

_1-800-Las-Noches ext Lobo 2_

Then Lilinette shoved it in the mailbox outside their room and waited for the hollow mail man.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"Tha' two down, who next?" Gin asked.

"Let's do Barragan, he's the closest. We'll need 7 chocolates." Orihime said. They walked to Barragan's wing and knocked at the door.

"Come back later, Barragan is having a sponge bath." A voice called. All three immediately fled.

"Tha' did not work." Gin panted. Orihime was recovered already.

"Let's do Szayel, I miss him." Orihime said cheerfully. Gin cheered in agreement. So the fearsome threesome marched off to Szayel's Lab.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"What?" Szayel said.

"It's chocolate Szayel, one for you, and how many fraccion do you have, you need one for each of them." Orihime said.

"Just give me one for them, I'll split it evenly, I'm just going to eat them anyway." Szayel said. Orihime's smile froze, then continued as she chose to file that under things to not remember.

"Anyway, Happy Valentine's Day Szayel. We love you." Orihime said. Gin and Ulquiorra nodded in confirmation. Szayel smiled to himself.

"Well, don't forget Betsy, I'm sure she misses you." Szayel said as he shut the door.

"BETSY!" All three yelled as they rushed to the Las Noches Stables.

"Betsy, how are ya girl, who's a good beastie, you are, yes you are. Happy Love Day." Gin said. Betsy jumped all around excitedly causing several small earthquakes.

"We'll come back and visit soon, I promise." Ulquiorra said as they left. Betsy sighed and laid down.

"TA GRIMMY!" Gin called. Ulquiorra stuck his tongue out, but continued anyway.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"Grimmy?" Gin called outside of Grimmjow's door. "We 'ave a surprise for ya." A slot opened in the door and a pair of hostile blue eyes popped out.

"No, Lilinette already told me what Valentine's day is and there is no way I'm taking any gifts of love from any of you." Grimmjow yelled.

"I'll take one though." A voice called from the room. Grimmjow scowled.

"Shut up Yylfordt." Grimmjow called back. Gin sighed.

"It doesn' mean that we necessarily love ya like that, we jus' don' hate ya. Ya better take it though, if you don' Aizen will be upset." Gin said. Grimmjow scowled again and shut the slot, then several clicks sounded and the door was opened. Grimmjow was standing at the door, Yylfordt and Nakeem were playing on Grimmjow's PS3, Shawlong and Edrad were watching MTV, and Di Roy was being a creep in the corner. Orihime and Ulquiorra spread out and handed out chocolate and Gin happily handed Grimmjow his.

"This didn't go near Szayel did it?" Yylfordt asked cautiously. Orihime shook her head and he relaxed, as did every other inhabitant in the room.

"Well, we best be goin', chocolate ta give, people ta scare, ya know the drill." Gin said happily.

"Whatever." Grimmjow said as he sat down on the couch next to Shawlong and Edrad. Gin, Orihime, and Ulquiorra left.

"Let's do Nnoitra." Orihime said. Gin and Ulquiorra shared a look.

"Fine, just stay behind us." Ulquiorra said. Orihime rolled her eyes.

"To Den de el Pervert. And Tesla." Gin said. Ulquiorra almost laughed. When they got to the door, they ignored the Keep Out sign, and the small picture of Orihime underneath it with a red crossed out circle.

"Wow, ya really annoyed him, didn' cha." Gin said, impressed. Then he knocked on the door. Nnoitra opened the door with a bored expression.

"What?" He asked. Gin was about to answer when Orihime popped up from behind Ulquiorra.

"Happy Valentine's Day Nnoitra! We love you, and by we I mean Aizen." Orihime shouted. Nnoitra jumped back and slammed the door.

"Leave me alone, can't you read!" Nnoitra yelled from the safety of his room. Orihime pouted.

"We won't leave until you accept our gifts of love." Gin shouted. Suddenly the door opened, Tesla was shoved out, and the door was shut in a matter of seconds. Tesla smiled sheepishly.

"Nnoitra will accept your gifts, but he wants you to leave immediately after." Tesla said. A knock sounded on the door. "Oh, and Nnoitra-sama wants you to know that this does not mean he is agreeing to a relationship with any of you."

"This one is for you, and this one is for him." Ulquiorra said as he handed over two chocolate hearts. Tesla nodded his thanks, then waited for them to leave, which they did, but not without Gin popping up behind Tesla and scaring him.

"Who now?" Orihime asked, pleased with their success so far. Gin tapped his lip thoughtfully and Ulquiorra stared into space looking slightly like a three year old.

"I KNOW! Ai-CHAN." Gin shouted happily as he rushed to the throne room. Ulquiorra and Orihime followed. At the throne room, Aizen was sitting on the throne looking at a paper that Szayel was holding out for him to look at. When they heard the three coming, Szayel quickly and neatly slid the plans closed and tucked in his clothes.

"Hello Gin, Ulquiorra, and Orihime, is there something you need?" Aizen said in a cool tone.

"Hey Ai-chan, is tha' the new mind control device blueprints?" Gin asked happily. Aizen and Szayel shared a look and Aizen sighed.

"No, it's the new design for the meeting room, Szayel believes that the current design is…outdated." Aizen said. Szayel fervently nodded. Orihime went to go look at the design before being pulled back into place by Ulquiorra. Orihime pouted.

"Happy Valentine's Day Aizen." Orihime said. Aizen smiled widely.

"Where did you get this? I thought Ulquiorra had eaten them all." Aizen said as he held his chocolate heart.

"Ask me no questions an' I'll tell ya no lies." Gin said. Aizen shrugged. "Anyways, we gotsta go and continue spreading the love." Aizen nodded a goodbye and Szayel opened the design as Gin, Ulquiorra, and Orihime went off to look for Tousen and Wonderweiss.

"Here Tousen, Tousen, Tousen, here boy." Gin called and whistled.

"You were looking for me Ichimaru?" Tousen asked as he seemingly appeared out of thin air.

"Huh, usually I hafta search fo' a while before ya come out in the open." Gin said. Tousen sighed.

"Wonderweiss smelled the chocolate." Tousen said. Wonderweiss let go of Tousen's hand and started poking around Gin looking for the chocolate. Gin chuckled good-naturedly until Wonderweiss bit his finger. Then, he yelped.

"Nasty little bugger." Gin growled as he opened one eye to peek at Wonderweiss who in no way looked abashed as he chewed on the chocolate heart Orihime quickly handed him and Tousen. Tousen nodded his thanks then turned and left with Wonderweiss in tow.

"Well, a thank you would have been nice." Orihime said, scandalized. Gin waved it away.

"Trust me, he's happy, when Ulquiorra ate Tousen's chocolate, I saw him shed a tear." Gin said casually. Ulquiorra grimaced. He wished everyone would stop reminiscing about his first major ooc moment.

"Hey look, it's Harribel. Harribel." Orihime called. Harribel looked as if she had had her foot caught in a bear trap, but her fraccion waved. Harribel walked slowly towards them since she knew running just made them more determined.

"Happy Valentine's Day sweet Harribel." Gin said in his best romantic voice as he handed her a chocolate heart. Harribel shuddered on the inside. Orihime and Ulquiorra passed out the three chocolate hearts to the fraccion. Apache dug in immediately, Sun-Sun put hers behind her sleeve for later, and Mila-Rose examined hers closely. Harribel held hers loosely in her hand as she walked away quickly.

"Should Rangiku be worried?" Orihime asked. Gin's eyes widened in pure fear.

"You won't tell her will you, I was just trying to freak her out, I made a bet with myself on how long it'll take her to crack." Gin said quickly. Orihime smiled, relieved. She didn't want to be the one who had to tell Rangiku that Gin was getting frisky while he was away.

"You know, Zommari's room is right around the corner." Ulquiorra noted. Gin grimaced.

"Al' right, just don' take deep breaths, Zommari is into the whole "medicinal", herbs and stuff." Gin said with a grimace and air quotes over the word medicinal. Orihime gave a slightly worried look at the trail of purple smoke that they followed all the way back to Zommari's room. Then she sniffed the air.

"Mmm, that smells good, maybe I should use it as a cooking ingredient." Orihime said. Gin and Ulquiorra exchanged a look.

"Probably not the best idea darling." Gin said as he patted Orihime gently on the shoulder. He knocked on the door and it opened slowly with a multitude of smoke coming out into the world. Gin and Orihime held their breath and waved it away, but Ulquiorra made the mistakes of long deep breaths as his pupils enlarged. Gin coughed and waved smoke away as he threw a chocolate heart at Zommari and fled, dragging Orihime and Ulquiorra behind him. Ulquiorra laughed with glee and Orihime stared in shock.

"Ulquiorra, you didn't breathe in anything did you." Gin said in a paternal voice that he leaned from Aizen. Ulquiorra looked down and spread imaginary dirt with his foot with his hands behind his back.

"Nooo." Ulquiorra said in a childlike voice. "You're pretty." He said to Orihime, who took this as an invitation to hug him. Which she did and Gin joined in. If Ulquiorra hadn't taken big breaths, he would have threatened to cero their faces off, but under the influence, he basked in the love as he broke away and skipped towards Yammy's room.

"Yaaaammy! We have a surprise for you." Ulquiorra sang as he knocked on the massive door. Gin and Orihime followed barely containing laughter. Small earthquakes sounded as the door opened.

"Hey Ulquiorra." Yammy greeted. Ulquiorra twirled in a circle and handed Yammy a heart chocolate.

"Thanks, Ulquiorra, how's trying for a promotion going." Yammy asked. Ulquiorra's eyes got wide as he desperately shook his head. Yammy, for being slow, got it rather quickly. Gin and Orihime flanked Ulquiorra and looked at him closely. Ulquiorra turned pink.

"We'll, bye." Ulquiorra said quickly as he ran for the door. Yammy waved as Gin and Orihime followed him closely. Ulquiorra twirled in many circles and threw off any questions about a promotion. Gin growled.

"We'll have to get the answer out of him after Zommari's stash wears off." Gin said. Orihime sighed but nodded and followed the still twirling Ulquiorra to Aaroniero's room. Ulquiorra tripped, then got back up and knocked on the door. No answer, Gin and Orihime caught up to him finally and Gin was so annoyed at this point that he typed in the door override code. The door opened with an ominous hiss. Ulquiorra bounced in, then let out a horrified scream of fear, terror, and horror.

"ULQUIORRA!" Gin and Orihime called as they ran to his side, ready to fight off anything that dared scare their Ulqui-chan. Then….they saw it, and let out two screams of their own.

"SHUT IT!" The smaller of the two grotesque heads in Aaroniero's tank of a head yelled in a high-pitched voice. This only caused them to scream louder.

"Do we scream at you because your eyes are squinted and you look like you have a pedophile smile and a constant constipation problem." Aaroniero's bigger, deeper pitched head said slowly. Gin stopped screaming and stood gaping like a fish. Aaroniero turned to look at Orihime.

"And you, do we laugh and scream at you because you have strange bodily proportions and different hair." Orihime stopped screaming and looked down at her toes. Ulquiorra was still screaming at this point.

"And do we laugh and scream at you, with those tears constantly on your face like a cry-baby? Your skin is as white as the walls, but do we call you names. No." Ulquiorra stopped screaming and felt his tear lines with an injured expression.

"Are we all not being with souls?" Aaroniero said. Orihime looked about to speak up but Aaroniero beat her to the punch as both heads rolled their eyes.

"Hollows have more souls within than any human." Orihime fell quiet again. "Is it alright for one to be judged on their appearance than what is inside of them? No. We are all the same." Aaroniero finished his speech as he put on the cover of his tank. Gin handed Aaroniero a chocolate, then after some thought, gave him another one, Aaroniero took it and turned away. Gin, Orihime, and Ulquiorra turned and left in completive silence.

"Who knew that underneath the freak, Aaroniero's actually a open-minded per-thing." Ulquiorra said. Then he twirled away to Barragan's room. Gin and Orihime shook away the guilt and self-consciousness to follow, though cautiously, they didn't know how long sponge baths took. Ulquiorra knocked on the door happily. Ggio opened it.

"Welcome, may I take your coats or park your car for you." Ggio asked in an uppity manner. Ulquiorra handed him air, which in his mind seemed to be a pair of keys. Ggio looked at it as Ulquiorra then swept past Ggio while tipping him a chocolate heart. Findor took over from there and led the three to a table with a throne in front of it. The throne was empty. Poww and Nirgge stood menacingly by the door like a bouncer. Abirama them accompanied Barragan out from the next room to the throne, where he sat himself with a majestic ease. Charlotte was singing on top of a piano in a tight red sparking dress as an unfamiliar underling played in in fear and horror.

"Speak." Barragan commanded. Gin opened his mouth to speak, but Ulquiorra beat him to it. "Happy Commercial Love Day!" Ulquiorra shouted as he handed Barragan a chocolate heart, then zipped around the room and handed out the rest. At Charlotte he smiled politely and good naturedly tucked the chocolate heart in his underwear strap that was poking out of the giant slit in the red dress. Gin gasped in horror, Orihime looked jealous, and even Barragan gagged. Charlotte's eyes turned to hearts as he looked at Ulquiorra as Ulquiorra bounced away. Reality shat itself. Ulquiorra grabbed the imaginary keys from Ggio and mimed jumping into the from seat and yelled vroom vroom all the way down the hallway.

"Ulquiorra does not know what 'e got 'imself inta." Gin said nonchalantly. Orihime shuddered, then went over to bring Ulquiorra back to the safety of his room. Gin stayed behind and looked at the leftover chocolate before he sighed, then disappeared.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Ukitake looked sadly at the shelf where his chocolate used to lay. His Lieutenants scoured the area for clues on the perpetrator, enraged on behalf of their Captain. Ukitake sniffled with his big brown puppy eyes. Then, out of nowhere, a single chocolate heart appeared on the opposite shelf. Ukitake smiled happily and started munching.

Gin sighed from outside the window. Curse his soft heart. Rangiku's and Kira's chocolate was already in place. As he was placing Rangiku's chocolate, he happened to see half of a chocolate heart with a bite out of it and a number written down on mini-Taicho's desk. Just this once, he decided not to pry. Little Rukia's chocolate was also placed, but hers was complete with a drawn picture of a fox eating a bunny. And Gin also found time to send one to Ichigo, with a very explicit naked drawing of Aizen on it. Gin slipped away happily, his job done. _Wait, one more thing. _Gin thought as he smirked. He went to the wall where Aizen's decoy body was found and wrote in chocolate "Gin was Here, See Ya."

**This was supposed to be out on Valentine's Day, but there were some setbacks, but enjoy anyway.**

**3**


End file.
